Girl Seeks Jesus

Bondage

2012-01-25T06:14:00.000-08:00

“How can you be free, If you don't even know you're trap or lock inside?”
― Ann Marie Aguilar

I'm looking around the room, it seems small but peaceful -- I can't hear any sounds and I realize that I haven't spoken in quite sometime, has it been hours or days? Weeks? I used to sing but now I can't remember the words. Childhood seems like it may have never happened and I'm not looking forward to growing older, either.

Sometimes, I can hear the faint sound of someone, possibly in the room next to me, I hear her screaming. It's during those moments that I realize I didn't choose to be here; if I had chosen to be here, I'd be able to find the door and let myself out.

I made the decision to give my life to a Savior, a few years ago now, and He lives in my heart & I live in this room. Sometimes, I can hear Him whisper & sometimes, I believe that He can hear me, too.

I think that's exactly where the Enemy wants us to be.

I mean, life's not too hard & we don't really need a Savior until tragedy strikes; so, we keep Him on a shelf, in our room, where we choose to stay.

The room is comfortable; really comfortable.
It's filled with regrets & lies about how God can't possibly use us; we've fallen too far,
so, we become complacent.
& we can't forget about our insecurities, they fill the shelves & we stare at them,
that's how we know we're safer inside than out.

And, the craziest part is -- we don't even realize that we are in bondage, this room that we're kept in, it's not the place that the Lord intends for us to live -- He's unlocked the door & we're too busy sitting still to even realize that we could have walked out into FREEDOM, so long ago.

In fact, no one can enter a strong man's house & carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man, then he can rob his house. [Mark 3:27]

Jesus entered the strong man's house; He TIED up the strong man, so that the Enemy can no longer keep you in bondage & He carried off HIS TREASURE [you!]...

So, I just want to say that there is LIGHT outside of the room -- so much light -- that you can't even see your insecurities & the more light that you see, the less you hear the lies & the further all of the regrets fade away. All you have to do is realize that Jesus Christ, the Messiah, has unlocked the door & the only thing that He asked you to do is to follow Him out...

My [beautiful] friend

2012-01-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

*note: I've recently thought that the most relative and reasonable way to increase not only the amount of time that I dedicate to writing but also to increase my prayer life; would be to pray -- here, for someone specific as often as I can. So, keep an eye out -- this one could be specifically for you. <3 Mandy

My [beautiful] friend:

I've learned over the past 3 or so years that choosing God will never come easily,
it will never just happen.
It's not in our natural ability to choose what is good or right...
so, my prayer for you, today, is that God would encounter YOU.
When you're looking in the mirror and you aren't sure that you're good enough,
you are.
When you're trying to make it & you're confused as to why bad things happen,
trust that He is still Good.
At the end of the day, when you lay your head down --
I pray that you would take just a second to ponder the wonders of forever,
of an eternity,
where our hearts will no longer be broken,
but they will become whole.

I pray that you'd begin to question more than work & school,
that you'd give a chance to something greater than THIS world.

I know that you want to be strong & that it's never easy;
but when we allow God to encounter us,
somehow, it becomes easier & lighter.

I love you.
More than you know.
Mandy

What I would say to you...

2012-01-04T21:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, You.

If I were as courageous as some people think that I am... & I could say anything...

I would say to you, my dear friend,
don't ever look down,
chase after the light -
I would tell you that you're enough
& that you're lovely.
I would reach out and I'd take your hand;
look into your eyes,
& I would tell you that you're worthy,
you are worthy of so much more.
I would share my heart with you;
I'd share God's heart with you --
it would be so clear that you can't work hard enough,
you can't do well enough --
I'd wrap my arms around you
and I would say that being you IS enough.
You would be able to see that I love you
& I'm not the only one.

I am petitioning for your soul in the midst of a world,
that doesn't always love us back,
a world that tries to dim the light --
to complicate what has been made simple.

I am crying out, for you, tonight.

That's all that I know to do,
& I trust that it's enough.

Love.

Suffer Well.

2012-01-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

Suffer well.
That's what he said.

I almost walked out in the middle of a sermon more times that morning than during, probably, the entirety of all messages that I've heard, in my life, including the one where they made me kneel 40 times & repeat after them...and, I'm not kidding or overexagerating. I sat there, tears streaming down my face for at least 80% of the time that he spoke.

& I held back my thoughts about what I thought of this "suffering well" nonsense.

You wouldn't "suffer well" if you were me... & that's the G-Rated version.

It took all that I had in me not to burst out into sobs at the end of the message when I made my way over to him & all that I could muster up were ramblings about anger & how I don't know if I can suffer well... actually, I don't even want to suffer well... what I want to do, is punch someone, in the face...

In that moment, more than ever, I felt justified in my anger & I'm sure, if I were to share with you just a glimpse of what caused me to fall into that pit -- you'd jump in there, too.

But, then, I realized that there are two ways to suffer -- A. in anger, bitterness, darkness, rage. or B. (I guess he had a point) we can suffer well. And, just to clarify -- "well" does not mean foregoing the box of kleenex & the ice cream, it doesn't mean putting on a smile & pretending like you're not suffering...

To suffer well, simply means, realizing that God WILL work ALL things together for the GOOD of those who love Him... it means that, in the middle of our most horrific nightmares coming into fruision, that there IS still GOOD.

In my case, it means, realizing that God is JUST & that He will seek Justice; I don't have to.

It means that when I tuck my daughter into bed at night, I can tell her that God is BIGGER than all of the monsters that we will ever face here.

Suffering well means that at the end of the day -- there is more to this story than just me & I trust that God will use my ability to trust Him & to "suffer well" in order to bring glory to Himself & to bring healing to many.

Chasing after the light.

2011-12-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

I wish that someone would have given me a handbook, a list, directions of some sort -- perhaps a map to where I belong. Lately, I wish that someone, anyone, could tell me what to do, which decisions to make and which path to choose. Mandy, choose this. Walk this way. Wouldn't that be the easiest way? I'd never be able to get it wrong.

But instead, somehow, the decision has been left in my hands & I'm holding a map that I can't seem to read, heading to a place that I'm not sure that I can see.

I wonder if I could possibly get it wrong? If somehow, the decision that I make would change the course of my life, for worse & not better. Is that possible?

And, then, I'm reminded...

‎"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will

live to enjoy the light." -Job 33:28

God redeemed my soul & even if, I get it wrong every single time, even if, I never choose the easy path or make the right decision -- even if, I choose the hard path, the lonely path, even when I choose what is painful... I will live to enjoy the light.

Nothing that I do or say, no decision that I could ever make will have the ability to take that away. At the end of the day, every day, my life will be full of light, of goodness, of love.

All that I know is this: God is enough.
& I'll chase after the light.

A girl I used to be.

2011-12-14T06:50:00.000-08:00

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Casting Crowns

I saw myself the other day, in the face of a girl I hardly even know; I was trying to fit in to a place where I didn't really belong. I could tell by the look on my face that I had absolutely no idea that I was even lost. But somehow, I could see now, from the outside looking in, that everyone around her knew that she didn't belong.

The beauty of falling in love with Jesus is that He will never forsake you, ever. The burden of falling in love with Jesus, when you are trying to run is, He will never forsake you, ever.

It's been almost 4 years ago now, my how time has flown, but I remember that I was so far from God. When certain situations unfolded in my life, I ran as far away from the church as I possibly could. I read every book about existentialism that I could find; I read book after book denouncing Christ. I hated God. (Looking back now, I think what I actually hated were the lies & broken promises that people placed on me & named this, "god", of theirs. But, that's a story for a different blog.)

But the funny part is -- that even in the midst of my sinfulness & my crazy life... I would drink & someone would mention the word "god" and I'd go on and on and get so excited... more times than not the person mentioning "god" was not talking about My God, they were talking about something much different than I knew. I wanted someone to tell me that I could make the decisions that I was making & still love God, but well, it's nearly impossible to ever make reckless decisions & have zero conviction...and the problem is this, sin will never feel right once you've felt Christ. It's impossible.

& then there were the days when I would try to get the same people that I'd drink too much with to come to church with me on Sunday mornings.

I knew in the midst of my time away from God that I was missing something, some part of me, was still completely broken. After about 2 years of living that way, I realized that whatever void I had wasn't going to be filled by any less than classy decision that I'd been making.

I don't think that I realized until just a few days ago how silly I must have looked to those who knew my story -- there are some people who just cannot fit into the world, no matter how much they drink or how reckless their decisions are -- they just don't belong there.

My heart belonged to Christ and no matter how hard I tried to take it back; He was relentless. It's as if, everyone could see Him around me, even when, I didn't realize He was there. Isn't that just like Him?

My heart breaks when I see a person that I know God has set apart for Himself, I see her searching for something, I can't help but wait in anticipation for the day that she will turn around & realize that what she's been searching for -- has never left her side.

The Lord said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods..." [Hosea 3:1]

Feet

2011-11-22T18:05:00.001-08:00

I'm staring at these empty walls, wondering when You'll visit me again, when will You come? If there is anything at all, coming in between our love, please show me, because I am barely hanging on. -Meredith Andrews.

Sometimes, I come to this place, I know it well -- it always welcomes me in. The place where, when it's cold outside, under a blanket seems like the best solution? The cold place where I hardly want to leave the house at all? The painful place where all I can hear is silence? Eventually, what happens is, I reach my hand out at first but eventually, the tiredness settles in & I'm in a deep slumber.

Am I the only one? I wonder.

I question how I could possibly be in this place, yet again. And, I question who even notices or cares? In this moment, the discontentment & confusion leads me to question everything, including God. At first, I question Him & then, the questions stop & the accusations begin, and after that, the silence settles in & I don't say anything at all.

I hear the lies -- I'm not good enough. I'm dirty. I've been tossed to the side. I'm broken. I will always be worthless. I will never be enough.

I can't cry out to God because He doesn't even hear me.
God hates sin & I've lived a sinful life.
God hates divorce & I'm divorced.

Tears stream down my face as I remind myself of the list of ways that I've let God down and have broken His heart -- it's lengthy and it's a mess.

& then, I'm reminded.

When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is - that she is a sinner." [Luke 7:37-39]

It's what I choose to do with my tears that makes all of the difference at this exact moment in time -- I can choose to wipe them away in vain & turn my back on everything that I know; I can let the lies that fill my mind win. I can let the Pharisee's that surround me show me that they're right, I am just too much for even God Himself.

Or, I can come to the feet of Christ, knowing full well that I am a sinner; I have sinned -- but I am willing to pour every tear that I have on the feet of the only one who could possibly save me, even in the mess of a state that I've let myself get to, I can trust that He is worth every single thing that I could possibly offer Him.

I guess all that I know to do is to kneel at the feet of the one that I love & pour out my tears & my life... and wake up tomorrow & choose Him again.

I'm engaged.

2011-11-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm already crying. Just throwing that out there, now, at the beginning so that my words will be known as 'full of emotion' because they truly are.

I've been trying to think of ways that I can capture what is going on inside of my heart -- and I think the only way that I'd be able to do that, so that you'd be able to read it and feel it, too, is to describe the differences between us.

Dustin is funny. He's goofy. He's smart & full of wisdom. He randomly sings songs (at which point I pretend to dislike his sudden outburst of boyband lyrics & rappers, but, I actually think it's hilarious). He loves ice-cream & diet coke. He can look at me when I'm at a point of emotional discomfort & would usually stop sharing my heart, and just by looking at me I'm encouraged to continue; He makes me feel safe. He's simple. He loves people.

I'm kind of serious. I tend to keep to myself and I'm quiet. I don't really say too much and I tend to over-analyze most things. I'm an emotional mess, I can cry at the thought of a stranger that I met years ago. I meet people who are hurt & I carry that around with me, never sure what to do with it. I would consider myself to be care-free, but only on my own terms & I care just a little bit too much about appearances. But, I'm simple & I love people, too.

So, on August 22nd when I saw Dustin for the first time, I can honestly say that I couldn't stop staring -- it was somewhere between his adoration of Mat Kearney & his comparison of Jesus Christ and the book of Judges -- that I somehow just knew that we'd be so much more than strangers. I remember what he was wearing & I knew before we even spoke that us being at the same place at the same time was such a good thing.

If we fast-forward a couple of months (barely) to about 2 weeks ago; Dustin was talking about marriage and getting engaged, while I on the other hand -- was questioning everything. I doubted that he could truly love me the way that I only hoped that someone possibly could. I wanted so run. I talked to a couple of people that I trust, very much so, and I poured out my heart -- my fears, doubts, concerns... and they did what amazing friends do, they encouraged me to "press on", to "pray", to wait on God.

So, I woke up one day, literally, and I thought about Dustin -- I thought about the fact that he is everything that I could possibly want in a husband. He's funny, patient, loving, wise, he's handsome, he completely adores me. And, I actually believe him when he says that he will love me, forever.

And, I knew. I knew that I'd never, in my entire life, meet someone who is so perfect for me -- I couldn't dream him up again, if I tried.

The decision was clear, I could either run away, & miss out on absolute perfection OR I could give him everything that I have to offer & pray to God that His plans are clear & that we're exactly where we are supposed to be.

I went to church and a relatively new friend of mine encouraged me; she blessed me with wisdom and confirmation that I can never truly thank her enough for -- I knew after our conversation that God has His hand all over me & Dustin; that God brought us together and our relationship is very intentional.

So, yesterday, when Dustin came to my house and picked me up -- he stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got me a coffee (that right there is enough to end the story with complete satisfaction, in my eyes :) ) and we went to a book thing, where they have a ton of books (for free!) and we just spent time together -- just being there, holding hands, loving & being loved -- it was simple, like us.

We walked around a market, picked up gifts for Lilly's birthday; the weather was beautiful, a little chilly; it was completely Autumn.

And, we had lunch, chatted... it was good.

We walked around Baltimore, went to an art museum & Dustin ripped his shirt while gracefully just walking down the stairs (the odds of that ever happening again have to be extremely low) but, it was so funny; I couldn't stop laughing.

& then, while we were walking to a park (I'm not sure what else to call it?) I saw this lion statue & I thought because Dustin is a fan of lions, that he wanted to show it to me, and in front of the lion, when we got around to the other side -- was a cross (which, I thought was supposed to be there).. so I was so excited, I thought that he had found this, during his life in the city adventures, and wanted to share with me -- because, it was a beautiful sight.

Until, he turned to me, and his face just so full of love & grace -- he told me that he loved me, that he wants to love me, forever & even then, I'm not entirely sure I knew where he was going (he somehow always seems to surprise me, even during our daily conversations) until he got down on his knee & I wish that I could explain the peace that I felt -- like there was absolutely zero hesitation as to whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So, I just started shaking, but in a good way -- in a, "I can't believe that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him because he is everything that I could ever possibly want in a husband and so much more" sort of way.

And, it took me a few seconds to realize that his friend, Natalie, was taking pictures & his other friend, Mike, had actually set up the cross specifically for him to propose in front of.

And then, we had ice cream.
We went shopping at the goodwill.

I am absolutely amazed & so blessed.

I know that although our life will probably be challenging (and by probably, I mean definitely), I know that it'll be centered on our Creator, Himself, I know that we'll love people because we've been shown so much love -- that we'll love eachother.

& the goal is to never have more than we need and to always be willing to share what we have.

I love you, Dustin. I cannot wait to be your wife.

I didn't write this, but I love it.

2011-11-06T11:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, I didn't write this but I still wanted to post it on my blog :) before, I write my own post about my new & very exciting news!

Love.

All my life I have longed for My Wife

Hoped for her to walk into a room and we hit it off well

Longed for her to find me, to surprise me

Dreamed for her to run into my arms and begin a life together

A shared life, a “two become one” life, a life that would lavish in His grace and Display His glory. A shared life that is magical, special, something beyond comprehension or explanation. A Shared life that trumps Notebooks and Walks to remember. A Shared life that is the “Rose is a Rose is Rose is a Rose” kind of life.

A shared life that is a beautiful Love Story. A story that has never been told, a story that has yet to be written, but by His grace, A story that will be the stuff of legends.

My Friends, Rejoice, For I, Dustin Carpenter, have found my beloved.

O, how Beautiful she is, none can compare or even dare to. Flowers, Night skys, Snow peaked Mountains, Sun sets on beaches…No, none can compare.

O, how Brilliant, how Deep she is, for not even the depths of the oceans can hold her spirit, not even the canyons of the earth could measure the same as her.

O, how Kind, how Sweet she is, for her smile and baby blue eyes lets you know it’s all going to be ok, that there is hope, that there may be pain in the night, but joy will come in the morning.

“Here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart”

God gave His Daughter to me

Out of anyone in the World! For any and every guy would be blessed to be chosen to be with her…
God gave His Daughter to me

And for that Amanda,

I promise to Love you, to Cherish you, to Honor you, Protect you, Trust you, Pursue you and Die for you

I promise to always be there for you, to never leave or forsake you, to never give up on you

Every Morning and Every Night, I want to tell you…That I love you, that my heart belongs to you…

For we all fall sooner or later, but as long as when I fall, you know that I never stopped loving you

Always and Forever

Close to home.

2011-11-03T05:56:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, I'm left breathless.
This morning one of those moments took place.

I was driving in my car and I was listening to some new music that was introduced to me -- when a song came out of nowhere, the lyrics threw me, so far from where I thought I'd land, especially at 6:30am, half asleep and coffee-less.

So, let's split it right down the middle
& just walk away
There's no use in trying to save something
You're just gonna have to change
But, I can't seem to figure out why
I'm not myself anymore
& I cry all the time

And, You, You're unaccountably gone
You've got no explanation, for leaving me alone

Well, maybe we shouldn't have let it go on
for so long
because, I am just not myself, anymore.

But sooner or later, You'll ask
was all of this really a mandatory seperation
or was it just easiest?
So, let's have a last conversation & just drive away
there's no use in trying to save something
you're just gonna have to change.
-Jessa Anderson

And, honestly, the words stung a little; I was so grateful for this poor girl, who I'm guessing probably wrote the song herself & may very well know that pain of her own lyrics -- and, although, I'm not grateful for her pain, I'm grateful that she understands.

I'm grateful after 4.5 years that somebody "gets it" -- that I can put words to what it has felt like all of this time.

Last night, while I was working, I had a conversation with a co-worker about being "divorced" -- it's such a common thing. Her response was "I have restored some of my faith in God but I have no faith left in marriage"... & part of me, part of me cries because I'm not sure that I have faith in marriage either. And, I can certainly understand why she wouldn't.

But these lyrics reminded me of something so profound and so amazing -- "I am not myself , anymore". When I first heard them, I thought, I'm not myself anymore because my role is different, the relationship isn't there and the last few years have been hard trying to find out what the new "role" that I'll play will become -- but, there's more to it than that, I'm not myself anymore because I'm not the same girl that was left there.

I'm not the same girl that made it so easy to walk away; my heart has healed and I've come to realize that I truly am a girl worth fight for -- as cliche as it sounds. Some people just don't want to fight for anything, and realizing that they have that choice and inevitably their decisions to walk away can become some of the best decisions that they will ever make for us... it's heartbreatking and raw; but I'm learning to trust that it's true.

So, on this Autumn morning, I'm able to sit here, coffee in hand & forgive, finally. I'm able to forgive because although it hurt, it doesn't hurt now & although I couldn't possibly understand the purpose in any of it -- I can see so much purpose now. Although the scars are real & they aren't hidden very well, the story is great & the impact that it could have is astounding and beautiful.

I'll wear it without shame & embrace the courage that it takes to begin again, knowing, that a beautiful ending is always possible -- that even in the endings that haven't been beautiful, God brings beauty from our ashes, so at the end of the day we lay our heads down & in the morning, we wake up & press on.

White dress and pink flowers
What seemed like not so long ago
Surrounded by the promise of forever
An old friend
A crooked path
Some broken promises

I am not that girl anymore
& now, I find myself

I stand by
A girl, on her own, running wild
I hear these promises
All being spoken so loud
So, I hold my breath
Take a seat
& wait, patiently
Inevitably
They’ll all leave
With suitcases,
On airplanes
I’ll stand behind
Waving good-bye

I am not that girl anymore
& now, I find myself

Waking up
A Bible in one hand
Hot coffee in another
She bows her head
& is thankful for yet another
Another, chance to see
The sunrise & a place to lay her head
Thankful for the grace
& that a good-bye was not the end

I am not that girl anymore
& now, I find myself

Beauty from the ashes
& healing from the pain
A chance at a new beginning
In hopes of an ending
That won’t ever be the same

GPS.

2011-10-31T14:56:00.000-07:00

My GPS & I have a love-hate relationship. It's complicated and often times, I get way off course -- even when I try to follow the directions. I feel like my GPS isn't clear in it's directions, sometimes, I'll swear that it doesn't even say anything -- as if, it expects me to know! And, when it is saying the directions, out of nowhere, it'll say "Turn left here." as I breeze on past the intended path.

& then, there are the times when I simply can't fathom not having it -- I look forward to the voice telling me that even though I'm lost, right now, it can certainly get me back onto the correct route.

I was driving along the other night and the thought came across my mind, as I was bickering at the GPS about why it couldn't tell me to turn left 30 seconds BEFORE I drove past my third missed turn... and the thought was simply this... "at least it doesn't remind you of every single missed turn..." Can you imagine?

"You forgot to turn left 4 miles ago."
"You missed that right, 3 days ago."
"Remember that time you were wandering around lost, for 30 minutes?"

"Remember that one time, when you lied to your mom?"
"Four days ago, you made a really bad decision."
"You messed up, again? Really?"

Sometimes, my memory is far better than that of my GPS; it's as if I can remember every single mistake or wrong turn that I've ever made. And, they come up, often.

It's impossible, sometimes, to move forward when I'm constantly hearing about how I've made yet another wrong turn...I can't hear clear directions when the voice that I'm trying to follow is constantly being drowned out by the sounds of, "remember when you messed up, 2 years ago?"..."Remember that dumb thing you did, 2 weeks ago?"... it's impossible to hear where I'm supposed to be heading above all of the voices screaming about how I've failed, yet again.

There is a reason that the GPS doesn't constantly go back and remind us of all of our "missed turns" -- they don't matter. They don't change where we are heading, right now, today. The missed turns and bad choices that we've made before, this very second, they don't matter now.

If we would stop listening to all of the voices in our heads telling us that we've constantly make mistakes and listen to God's voice -- the one telling us that we no longer have to make those mistakes -- that the only thing we need to focus on right now, is following HIS voice -- that He's willing to give us step by step directions into His perfect plan; He's willing to guide us to the exact location that He wants us to be in.

& although, I'll be the first to admit, when we've gone really far off from where our original destination was, sometimes, it's not the easiest route to get back -- but God is faithful to provide every single step for us to get back to where we were meant to be in the first place.

We just have to pay attention to the directions; stay focused on the voice, and if/when we miss a turn, we have to choose to allow Him to re-route our paths...

God doesn't remember our wrong turns, so why should we constantly remember them ourselves? That is not the place that God intends for us to be -- He intends for us to be in a beautiful place, a grace-filled place; He intends for us to be surrounded by the truth & not the lies that we've learned to cling to.

"This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds."

Then he adds:

"Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more."
(Hebrews 10:16-17)

Love.

Homeless.

2011-10-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've never done this before -- but, I figured, why not? I wrote this when I was just doing some free-writing in December 2010.

Today, I wandered down the street, I wasn't sure where I was heading or who I might meet;

I continued down the road, never missing a beat.

I walked right up and stood in front of his feet, he laid very still, he must have been asleep.

I removed my jacket and the hat from my head, I laid them on top of him and wrapped my scarf around his neck.

The man didn't get up, he didn't even move, I watched his chest, his breathing, quiet, reluctant, as it moved up and down slow.

The last thing I did was kneel next to his feet. I prayed "Lord, please keep this man safe and guide these two feet, keep him warm and his spirit calm and beautiful. Today, Lord, meeting him here, has changed not him, but me."

Where do we go?

If everything becomes true

& I wake up tomorrow

and, I'm here, with you

What do we do?

Smile & hold hands?

We could drink coffee and laugh.

Will we cry for awhile,

will there be lots of joy and smiles?

There will be a suddenly, I know it,

and we will both see,

the purpose and the plan,

that we've both been waiting for,

in the palm of His hand.

I'll fly away.

2011-10-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I've already put myself out on a limb, so I might as well just stay out there.
Who would ever want to come back down now, anyway?

Sometimes, I must admit, I genuinely want to fly away. Wouldn't it be lovely? I can picture it. I'd be so far away from the cares and the worries of this life; I'd soar above it all & sing as loud as I possibly could, in hopes that no one or everyone could hear my song. It would be a beautiful thing.

& lately, my heart has been in a different world, honestly. I've been daydreaming, lately, about the day that the Lord of my life will come in and He will proclaim the victory over THIS world, His world. My heart leaps & my eyes tear up; I cannot wait. Joy fills my heart and I long for that day.

[Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:1-4]

I long to sit at the feet of my Savior, the love of my life, I long to just stare at His face. It's the simplest concept, to just sit at His feet. I know that He truly understands my heart and that my hope is in Him; I find my joy in knowing one day, I'll be there.

And, honestly, sometimes -- that's the only thing that keeps me going, here.

[But you are the shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
Psalms 3:3-5]

Cages

2011-10-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

"Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark."

Sometimes, I wonder why people leave or why people get left & while I was watching Little Bear with Lilly, I think that maybe, I caught a glimpse of the reason. I'm going to try to articulate it but I'm not sure I'll be able to do justice to the simplicity I felt when I saw the reasoning within my own heart.

I can see her in my mind, she wakes up early & she looks out the window, the children are playing & the dishes need to be done -- she looks out the window & wishes, for a second, that she could be out there...

I can hear her singing to herself... and at first... at first she doesn't realize that she's even in a cage.

I picture a wife -- who longs to be desired.
I picture a child -- who longs to be held.
I picture a husband -- who wants to feel loved.

& what happens, I believe, is that each of these people -- they eventually find their window. It's when they find their window and they look outside, they see something that they think can fulfill their deepest longing.

And, someone, someone always comes & opens the door.

It's what has taken place within the cage that usually justifies their flying away.
& then, we look back, and sometimes the others stay locked inside -- but every once in awhile we're left staring at a completely empty cage. & then, there are the rare instances that the she will find her way back to her own cage & Lord willing, miracles take place.

What I'm wondering & the reason that I'm writing is -- what if the reasons that we search to find new windows weren't there? What if all that we desired was fulfilled within us? What if our songs came from within our hearts and we sang because our desires have already been fulfilled?

What if we learned to sing within our cages?
Does God not promise to meet us where we are?

Acts 16:25
[ A Midnight Deliverance ] About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them.

It's so easy to justify our actions & to be okay with almost any decision that we make; whether it be a teenager straying from home or a wife straying from her marriage -- there is always a reason & there is always someone willing to stand by and confirm even our most wreckless choices.

I'm just wondering if there is a chance that we may become so content in Christ that even when we are given a reason, a justification, that we'd learn to make the best out of our cages & to sing a song from the depths of who we are -- not because we desire to sing but because God desires to hear our singing. And, when we can see the joy that is created through our songs -- when we can hear others begin to sing along -- that through that we'd begin singing because we desire to sing, too.

& eventually, entire marriages would begin to sing & our cages would disappear altogether.

Crossroads.

2011-10-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, I type & then I delete. I'll write a paragraph (or three) and then erase them all. I know it's because I'm afraid that I'll worry someone or cause someone to doubt; it's because I've come to realize that people are actually reading this. Usually, this is my safe place, it's where I come to pour out my thoughts -- it's where I type and I don't re-read or doublecheck; I allow words to pour out of my mind, onto the screen & I leave them there.

But tonight, tonight I feel off; I feel like I've spent the entire day focusing on my apartment, if I can make it feel just right, just like home, then I'll feel just right too. If I can create a peaceful space & sit quietly, without the burdens of the world on top of me, then just maybe, I'll be able to tredge through another week.

Isn't that just like me?

Last week, I was crying out to God to meet even my smallest need; I was desperate for Him. My burden was heavy.

This week, I worked, I experienced joy, I lived out community, I gave myself wholeheartedly to my job and it shows; working hard pays off. & on top of that, I was blessed & am more grateful than I could possibly say.

But, still, today, I look at God, I can clearly see Him there... and then, I pick up the pieces of my life that I feel need the most attention -- I dig my feet into the ground & I make it clear that this, this is where I am. And, I'm happy here! I've created this place. I've made it my own & so help me, I will not be moved. I'm stubborn. Boy, am I stubborn.

It's because there is safety here -- I've allowed myself to feel safe. So, when I feel like my life is about to head into a new direction, one that may force me to eventually box up my things & begin somewhere new; I hang curtains, I rearrange my furniture & I sit on my bed, I stare around & I think...nope. I'm not going anywhere.

It's that moment where a person either jumps in, head first, or sits on the side-lines; it's an all or nothing type of decision.

I'm at a crossroad; I can put on some music, sit in my very tidy, calm, self-created peaceful environment; OR; I can chase after what may appear to be uncertain but promises a fullfillment that no apartment, even the most 'safe', could ever offer me -- I can trust simply that God is who He said; He said when I lose my life, I will find it -- when I am willing to leave everything and follow Him; it's then that I will truly know what it means to be alive, at all.

So, tonight, although I'm thankful for my apartment -- I'm grateful that when God ever so gently ushers me to move towards something different, I will, I'll reach out and I'll take His hand & I'll walk with Him towards the next chapter of my life... and, in the same way I've come to love this apartment, I'll love entirely and trust that God will be faithful to redirect my heart when I begin putting up walls & clinging to ways to feel false security -- He will show me that HE IS my security.

Beauty from Ashes.

2011-10-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

It seems that every time I have the opportunity to sit quietly in a room long enough to even consider getting out the laptop and attempting to write -- I'm on the verge of tears. Although, not all of the tears ever find their way and most of them aren't out of desperation or saddness, I am almost always at the point of breaking.

Sitting here now, I'm almost afraid to write because there is almost nothing good on my heart that I'm willing to share but there are many fears & things that I cannot begin to understand or explain screaming for an escape. It sounds dramatic or heartbreaking, but I swear, I can hear them. I can hear the cries and the pain -- I can almost feel the burdens of so many people that I know who are longing for an answer but their pain is just too heartbreaking; I don't know how to speak anything but sympathy and even then, the words almost always refuse to come -- so, I sit in their presence and I beg God to give me the words to say & all that I can come up with is, "I've been there, too."

As I'm sitting here, tears run down my cheeks and I don't understand, I can't even begin to explain why the worst things have happened to some of the most undeserving people, but then, I'm reminded, does anyone really deserve for horrendous things to ever happen? I can't think of a single person that I dislike enough that I would 'want' something horrible to happen to them.

What I really want to do, in this moment, is I want to scream; I want to understand why I'm stuck in a world where the worst of things happen & people are free, over and over, to do them again. I want to understand why bad things happen to good people. I want to get on my hands and knees and BEG God to tell me why children are left screaming in the middle of the night? I want to understand how a mom's biggest fear can take place, her right to a safe place can be taken away from her & she's left cleaning up the mess of someone elses selfish mistake. What I really want to know is what happened to love? What happened to making decisions out of goodness & not evil?

The truth is, I want to know why.

I want to know why I meet people who don't take care of the children that for some reason, God allowed for them to have, & some of the closest friends that I have aren't able to have babies. I want to know why murderers live until they finally die of old age & people are being taken left & right that would give everything to have a second chance at life.

I'm desperate to understand how I'm called to love in the midst of a world surrounded by chaos when at any second God himself could step in & take away our tears -- but He hasn't yet.

And yet, as I sit here, even now, my heart so heavy with the weight and the pain of the world & I'm reminded that even now, I will lift my hands to God.

I remember a time that wasn't too long ago when my rights were taken away from me. I was left feeling broken & sad. Angry. I had made many poor decisions in my life, but this, this wasn't a choice that I made. It was a choice that was made for me. If I had to pinpoint a time in my life that I truly understood God -- it was right after this moment. The days & weeks that followed were the very moments that would make or break my relationship with God. & they are the very moments that many people either cling to or stray from.

A week after, I was able to muster up enough of myself to go to church -- I can't remember much about those days or weeks, other than the crying, but what I can remember is this: I somehow showed up at church on Sunday & I lifted my hands with tears streaming down my face and I knew that God, the creator of all things good, I knew that He too was weeping. I remember standing there, I had my hands lifted and I cried; I shook -- and I said to God, "I do not understand why people make such evil decisions but I do know that YOU did not choose this; I know that YOU are GOOD and that YOU are JUST..." and what I learned, in that moment, was that I would choose Christ EVEN IF I felt that type of pain again (or still).

What I learned about God was that He KNOWS my hurt & He weeps for those who hurt; I know that because He has given me the right to choose HIM -- He has also faithfully given people the right to walk away from or to never choose Him. And, what those people choose to do in the midst of their darkness, is something that although I do believe 100% that God could deal with right this very second, He for some reason has chosen not to -- but I know that He will.

And although I am saddened even today by what was taken from me -- and has been taken from many -- I am grateful that I have been given enough strength and courage to stand up and say that it is not okay & that what has been done for evil WILL BE used for good. God will use my words & my pain for the good of others; He will be faithful to use my hurt in order to help others heal.

That is why I still praise God, even on my darkest days & in my darkest moments -- because when I look around at this chaotic and hectic world, I KNOW that there are still good people and that God is desperately pursuing those who feel broken & Lord willing, He'll be able to use me & my story to help them see that... God does not cause bad things to happen... selfish, evil people make selfish evil decisions... & God will bring justice.

But, for us, He will bring healing & goodness. He will bring light out of our darkness & beauty from our ashes.

Changes

2011-10-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

An oversized sweatshirt & leggings, a smoothie made ofpeaches, strawberries & raspberries, and some Taylor Swift. The air has abitter chill to it; it seems a little bit too cold to be October. My heart is heavy and there is so much waiting to be poured out into words, Ifind that when I fill my mind with things that have sustenance, words want topour that goodness onto paper, I can hardly wait for the world to hear my thoughts too.

I’m just trying to decide exactly how vulnerable I’mwilling to be, so that I can decide which topic I’d like to offer encouragementin… my favorite thing in the world to do is to offer encouragement when I’m indesperate need of some encouraging. So, alas, I sit on the couch with thelaptop and I share my thoughts with whoever wants to read them & when theyaren’t in my mind anymore, I find room for new thoughts.

Aha. I got it.

Somehow, in the midst of my Monday, I completely forgotthat I attended the Beth Moore conference in Baltimore over the weekend & that although herentire series of ideas and thoughts were good, there was one thing that stoodout to me; one word of wisdom that changed my thoughts & encouraged growthin my heart and spirit.

She was talking about what takes place when people givetheir hearts to Christ – the transformation; the change that God begins to makein us as soon as we’re willing to allow Him. Sometimes, the changes aredramatic and they’re quick – and some areas we pray over and seek restorationagain and again and we fall down again and again.

When I made the decision to go “all in” with God in October2009 there were quite a few areas of my life that were transformed, literally,overnight. & then, there were areas that as recent as just a few weeks,months ago, I’ve struggled so hard to find restoration; I would walk away andthen I would find myself wandering back, I’d let it go & then, I’d ask Godto allow me to hold it for just a little bit longer.

There was a recent time when I found myself struggling, Ifell & I fell hard; then, I walked away…a couple of months passed and Ialmost fell again, but this time – I stumbled a little bit, but I didn’t crashto the ground.

When Beth Moore was speaking she said something that stoodout to me – she said that when we share our testimony’s, it’s not so thatpeople can see how horrible we have been, it’s so that people can see ourlives, today, and know that we aren’t there anymore – the problem with this isthat sometimes, there are areas in our lives that aren’t transparent – areas thatwe still struggle with and no one really knows the depths.

She said, if someone could pull back every single layer ofyour life – without exception – what would they find? Would the “change” thatGod has made in your life, the testimony that He has created through yourspecific story, would it stand up against your “real” life? Or would yourcurrent choices overshadow the grace that God is trying to pour out? Wouldpeople be able to say, ‘Wow, she really is different?’ or would they just shaketheir heads and realize that you’re just like them, only hiding behind walls?

I’m not here to offer judgment because I’d be the first tofall down – but I am here to say this: how amazing would it be if people couldlook at every single area of our lives, from our relationships to our choicesin entertainment, our eating habits, how we treat others, the ways in which wechoose to speak about one another – if every single thing in our daily livesreflected the love that Christ is so graciously pursuing us with… if everysingle choice that we made, we could make in front of the entire world and our testimonywouldn’t be shattered. That even in the most fragile moments Christ would beglorified?

That’s the change that changes lives.

It’s when our hearts so effortlessly reflect that of JesusChrist because there isn’t shame or guilt; there is nothing to hide behind.

What a richness of freedom and peace; the type oftransformation that just shouts praises without every speaking a word.

Father's

2011-10-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

I heard a pastor say yesterday that we tend to compare God to our fathers. I keep trying to remember the exact words and I can't seem to -- but the basic idea was that here, on earth, most people, tend to relate to God in the same way they relate to their dads. The words stood out to me because I didn't agree. Not that it wasn't true, but it's not my truth.

So, after having lunch yesterday & talking about how it actually is very true, for some people, that the way we tend to speak to and experience God is almost exactly the same way that we experience and have spoken to our fathers, here.

I've decided to share my heart on the issue.

While I was growing up, I didn't have a 'dad' -- I mean, I had a dad, obviously, but I didn't know him personally, I had never actually even met him before, oddly enough. I don't really talk about this a lot, so most people probably wouldn't have any idea -- but, the truth is, I didn't even meet my dad for the first time until I was 7. Actually, I didn't even really think that I had a dad before then.

& during the first few summers that I spent with my dad, his wife, my 2 sisters and 1 brother, I can't say that I really understood or took for granted what it meant to have a dad -- but, I do remember one specific time; the entire family was in the car, we'd just come home and all of the kids were sleeping, I remember that I pretended to be asleep so that my dad could pick me up and carry me into the house. Even as a little girl, I never knew how to really express love or receive affection, so even though, I would have never asked him for a hug, it meant the world to me when he picked me up and carried me into the house.

That's how I related to my dad. I loved him. But, I never (and sometimes I still struggle with this) really felt comfortable hugging him or telling him that I love him, even though I do, very much so. It just seemed to me that throughout the course of our meeting for the first time, the times that I spent with him, and the times that I didn't -- I learned that he loved me, even when I couldn't understand it.

But, when I first began learning about Jesus and who he was -- I feared that He couldn't really love me, forever -- and I probably compared and related to him in exactly the same way that I had always related to my dad -- I'm sure that he loved me, but I'm not entirely sure that he loves me enough to never leave me. I'm sure that he's a good dad -- because I can see him with his other kids -- but, I'm not them. I'm different. That's how I always felt growing up -- I wanted to be them, I wanted to belong with them -- but, that wasn't my place, my place was different and I knew it.

The way that I learned to express my love for both my dad and my God was to "disappear" -- I'd do everything that I could in both relationships to not be a burden, to not be too needy and to not cause anymore damage; I'd love them silently and with my entire heart, but I'd stay as far removed as I could -- so that they wouldn't want to leave me or so that they would stay forever.

Bear with me, I'm getting somewhere.

I learned to love my husband the same way; I'd do whatever I could to serve & give my entire heart, while trying so hard to be invisible because I was so afraid of being left. I would do everything to strive for perfection; even though, until this very instance, I've never considered myself to be a perfectionist; I really have played that role, more than once.

In my mind I felt like I had to be perfect in order for God to love me.
& for my dad to love me.
& for my husband to love me.

And, then, when I realized that being "perfect" couldn't make someone love me and that being "perfect" wouldn't keep someone who doesn't want to be there.

I remember one day, within the past 2 years, when I was sitting with God -- we were just spending time together & I could almost feel him, I still can, right now, almost feel him -- lift my chin up and look directly in my eyes; He said, "Look at ME. Keep your eyes on MINE." And, it was in that moment that I realized that God is a good dad; he's an amazing father. It's when I could see Him & I knew that perfection wouldn't keep him.

HIS love would keep ME.

The same thing is true for my dad -- nothing that I do or say could EVER make him love me more or less; he loves me because HE IS my dad.

I can picture myself around the age of 5, on the side of a pool, a little girl, laughing, and I want to jump into the water but I'm afraid that I'll drown -- I'm afraid that no one will be there to catch me because my reality was that no one was there to catch me... & then, all of a sudden, I feel safe and I jump in because God has been the PERFECT dad & He's been willing and waiting to catch me all along.

& it's when we can see past the flaws of our dads -- and when we can realize that if they were able to love us entirely, the way that God loves us -- if they knew how to love that way, they would. I'm sure of it. Sometimes, people just don't know how to love back -- they haven't been taught and they haven't been loved.

So, my challenge, prayer, hope, vision -- my everything -- would be that if you, for just a second, can imagine that even when your dad wasn't able to love you or didn't know how to express his love -- or even if your dad did everything right -- that you'd release the expectations of "perfection" from him & you'd place them on God because God is PERFECT; He's the perfect dad -- He's been at every game, every recital, He's been applauding you, loving on you, He's been chasing after you; dancing next to you, holding you, He's been completely amazed by your first step, your laugh, He was there when you fell and He'll be there if you fall again.

I guess my point is this -- that maybe we do compare God to our dads -- and maybe that's how we've learned to relate to Him. But, maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we should let God be God and allow Him to teach us what it means to be a Dad, so that we can love those around us and teach them... and they can teach their children... & we'd break the cycle... that eventually, our children would love because we've loved them & we'd love because we've known perfect love in an imperfect world, full of imperfect parents.

Apology

2011-09-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

I always try to be as honest as I can in my writing; sometimes, I think of it like this -- I'm the only one who probably reads it, like a diary, so why not lay it out there?

This week has been tough. I started reading a book about something that I really, really have struggled with. But, I feel as though it's time to trust that God is able and willing to heal even the darkest, most painful places of my heart. And, I really want Him to.

& sometimes, I think that people see me and they think that it's "easy" for me to trust God -- well, of course she believes that stuff... or if she knew what I've been through she could understand why I'm different... or sometimes, I think that people may even see my relationship with Christ as an "escape" -- everyone needs something to 'save' them.

I remember a time, about 2 years ago, when I believed in "God" -- actually, I would go as far to say that I believed in Jesus, too. But, what I struggled with was understanding how Jesus could be the "only" way to heaven -- how close-minded and selfish of me! Who am I to tell people that if they don't believe in Jesus they aren't going to heaven? So, I did what any normal person would do...and I got some "coexist" sticker, I believed, with my entire heart, that all "good" people would probably go to heaven, and that God is a loving God.

And, well, a loving God doesn't sent people to hell. Period.

I sat down with a friend last night, and I felt God -- yes, felt, literally -- my entire body was covered and God was so tangible. And, my heart broke because who am I to know the love of Christ and to know that He can and is willing to take even our deepest hurt and our greatest pain... and, I just sit there because I don't want to "offend" someone.

However, I can say with 100% of my heart that I wish -- I wish that someone would have shared with me sooner, not only do I wish that, but I am almost offended that people knew & didn't tell me. I think that I would be so much more offended if someone KNEW something that could change my entire life and give me a hope that I've never before known and they DIDN'T share with me.

Sometimes, I sit here, and I wonder -- if one day, I have to answer to all of the people who have longed for God and waited for me to just share my heart with them -- if I have to look them in the eyes and say, "well, I would have told you -- but I didn't want to offend you..."

What would they say?

And, the truth is, as much as I value my friendships, I'd like to think that I'd rather not have any friends -- than to not truly LOVE the ones that I have -- and if I LOVE them -- isn't the best thing that I could ever do for them to share my heart, completely? Wouldn't I want that same type of love in return? Isn't that what it means to even be a friend at all?

So, if you're reading this -- I want to apologize to you -- because I believe, with my entire heart, that Jesus is the answer; I believe 100% that if you sat down and read about Him -- if you saw the type of Character that He has... if you could see the LOVE that He has for the broken & the HATRED that He has for sin... if you could know that He doesn't take lightly our brokenness; that He Himself was broken. If you could look into His eyes and see that the abuse you've encountered, the deaths that you've seen, the tears that no one has understood -- if you could see that HE WEEPS for you. That He longs to fill every void in your heart -- that you're not too "dirty" or broken, that you aren't too much or too far.

That He is enough.

And, if I ever do anything or say anything that doesn't show the type of love that He has shown for me -- I am sorry.

Storms

2011-09-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

I love writing, it's like breathing -- and when I go without it for extended periods of time, I feel like I've been under water & finally, sitting here, now, I'm able to breathe again. But now, sitting here, I'm not sure how to put words together because it's been so long since I've spoken outloud.

I can hear a mom at one of my tables earlier this week, in my head, "Come on, honey, use your words"; it worked with her 3 year old.

But me, now, I've got nothing.

I like to breathe, in fact, I don't even like the water, so feeling as though I've been under it -- isn't a good feeling at all -- so I wonder now, and every single time I take a breath of fresh air, why I ever went under in the first place?

It makes me think of my life, and although, I can clearly point to the times when I'm so far under the water (or under school work & work work & so many other things) that even though I desire fresh air, another wave comes and crashes over me, it happens again and again, until I'm just staying under in order to avoid the crashes.

And then, in time, the water begins to feel good and the air seems cold and burdensome, no longer fresh to me.

I'm walking or "swimming" through life and it's neither good nor bad, I'm not happy or sad; I'm reluctant to admit but sometimes, I don't really feel anything at all.

And, then, the worst part -- is that moment, when I get the chance to come up out of the water and I'm able to breathe and I have a decision to make: breathe or keep on swimming; and sometimes, I keep on swimming, EVEN THOUGH, I've been praying for fresh air.

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him."
[Matthew 8:23-27]

I love this, it's simple.

The evening was quiet, calm & life was going exactly as it was intended. Can you feel the calm waves moving the boat, gently? The air is alittle bit cool and the sky is clear.

The wind begins to sway, at first it's slow and then it's not, and then it's not only not slow but it's windy. The rain begins to fall, harder and harder. The storm was furious. And, it was completely unexpected; it came out of nowhere.

The waves swept over the boat. Can you imagine the fear that would strike you? You're in what I'd imagine was a pretty small boat, one minute it's calm & the next, the weather is furious.

But, Jesus was sleeping.
Isn't that just like him?
I'm drowning in confusion, chaos, my friends are battling cancer, I'm losing family members, people that I love are hurt and burdened, I cry out to Jesus, and I get nothing.
I'm on my knees pleading with God and I hear silence.
"Lord, I know that you're able, where are you?"
And, I read this, oh, you're sleeping, that makes perfect sense...

Here, this is where my true character shows -- Lord, save us! We're going to drown! -- Yep, that has Mandy written all over it. At least, today it does.
"Lord, you must not hear me, why is he sick? Why am I doubting? Where are YOU? I WILL DROWN here. No questions asked."

This is where I sigh, Jesus comes out, probably as calm as ever, and he simply says, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"
& you better believe, here I am, "But, Jesus! What do you mean? I have faith! Don't you SEE the storm? The lightening? The waves? Can't you feel the chaos? Aren't you here with me? If you're really here, You'd know!" Yep, that's me.

And, then, I can see His face now, he looks at me, with the slightest hint of a smile, He knows my heart, and He knows that I know He is able -- and in that moment, I stare right into His eyes and I can feel it, the wind is slowing down, the waves are calming, I'm staring directly into his eyes and I feel safe, calm, I feel secure. I knew it. I knew that He was able.

This is the moment when I know that He knows that my hope is secure, although, I may doubt and call out for him during the next storm, I think that he waits, quietly, not quite asleep, waiting to hear my cries -- so that he can come out onto the waves yet again, and show me that He is the Lord of my life -- that He brings storms simply so that He can look into my eyes and see my amazement as He calms them, yet again.

A little crazy.

2011-09-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

All that I keep thinking (and saying) is that -- this is crazy. And, it is.
I'm reluctant to even type it in fear that I may wake up and realize it never happened at all.

That's the only way I know how to describe the past 2 weeks.

My friend invited me to go to a small group with her a little over 2 weeks ago, and I had been looking for something to attend, so I willingly accepted the invitation. The Bible Study was really good, interesting; I was grateful to be there. I could say that I met Dustin there, and I did, but we didn't really talk at all with the exception of me making some crazy comment about stalking him on FB as we were leaving dinner. And, when he actually told me his name, I should have known it would make for a good story.

I looked him up on FB and among the 50 some Dustin's who share his last name; I picked one completely randomly because A. none of them attend the same school (according to FB) and B. none of the pictures really made it clear that I was on the right track. So, I friend requested one in hopes that they'd either be him or be understanding enough to accept my apologies when I wrote them a note explaining how I don't actually know them.

& then, I went home, went to sleep, the normal life stuff.

It was the next day that caught me completely by surprise -- not only was it actually Dustin on FB but it happened to be his birthday, the day before, and he never even mentioned it -- so I mentioned something to him & it all kind of went from there.

Here's my personal favorite part of the story -- we began talking, often, and it sounds crazy, but I already knew where the story would be going... I was actually almost completely sure the day before (although we hadn't spoken at all), somehow, but I became amazed when I would read the things that he'd say -- and although, he does have the best brown eyes, ever & a really great smile -- that had little to nothing to do with any of this... it was the way he would ask me how me and Jesus are doing; how he would pray for me; how he came to know Christ at all, really.

Seeing the passion that one person could have, calling out to Christ, alone in their living room -- how could I not be completely amazed by a testimony like that?

So, although I wasn't exactly sure what he meant when he asked me out for ice cream -- I sort of hoped that he meant a "date" -- but because our conversations were unlike any that I've had with guys in the past -- it was hard to know if there was any type of "romantic" ground being laid at all, and, I was completely okay with either.

For a second, or a few minutes, I sort of doubted that this was happening -- because we hadn't really talked about Lilly at all, and I didn't want to put myself in a situation and be hurt by someone else who isn't interested in the "you have a child?" conversation. So, when I decided to just ask him; he made it clear that he was well aware.

When we first spent time together, it was unlike anything I've ever known -- to be so vulnerable in front of another person, one that I barely knew at that -- we talked about all types of things; how we'd come to know Christ, what he was doing in our lives, past relationships, our brokenness, the hope that we have -- tears streamed down my face at one point, during our conversation and there was no judgement there; he understood me already in ways that I'm almost certain I've never really been understood before.

Although, I've never really introduced a person like that, one that I hardly knew, to Lilly -- it seemed fitting and I'd been asking for prayer and praying for him specifically since the night that I met him -- so, I wasn't really even questioning whether or not it was appropriate. But when Lilly met him -- I could hardly pull her out of the restaurant after almost 4 hours. She opened up almost immediately and they chatted about all types of things. It was amazing to watch.

I asked Lilly what she thought when we were safely in the car, just the two of us, life as we know it -- and she said something that surprised me, she said, "He's amazing, I love him already". And, I just smiled because I could tell that this entire situation was out of my hands and that God was sorting through the details, so clearly.

Here is the part of the story where I would, almost instinctively freak out and run as far away from this as humanly possible -- and this is how I know that it's something greater than me.

I don't want to run, at all.
Actually, not only do I not want to run, but I want to stay right where I am so that he can find me.

I love romance; I like the idea; I'm crazy about a good Taylor Swift love-song.
But, I certainly wasn't searching for this.

We started dating a couple of days after lunch with Lilly and seeing him again at Bible Study -- when he mentioned to me that he didn't want to date anyone else, that I was the only person he wanted -- I didn't question, not even for a second, that he meant it -- I've never questioned his intentions or his motives; actually, I'm pretty sure my response was "are you sure?" and I cried. I cried because he's good, he's trustworthy, he loves Christ with his entire heart, he's honest. I cried because God has been so faithful in allowing us to seek HIM & somehow find each other.

I'm just in complete awe -- because I've never known such a peace in any relationship that I've ever had -- with the exception of my relationship with Christ... but to know and be known by a person here, to openly share my heart and know that I haven't done anything that is too terrible, that although we both have scars, we're still perfect for each other; we may actually be perfect for each other because of our scars.

All that I can say is that when I gave my everything to Christ -- and I stopped trying to write my own story... when I let go of my expectations and realized that Christ was enough... somehow, I found Dustin & he's absolutely perfect for me.

That's pretty much all that I know.

Human

2011-09-06T20:46:00.001-07:00

It's 11:36; I fell asleep at 7pm while watching Veggie tales with Lilly on the couch (after I did schoolwork for Music 101 and before I gathered enough energy to complete Math work). Lilly must have understood that I was exhausted because she got herself ready for bed, went into my room, turned on the cartoons and fell asleep.

I can't help but sit here and have such a clear understanding of what it means to be human. It seems like some deep conversational line... but, in all actuality, it's quite simple. Life can be completely flawless (not that mine is) but, even still, exhaustion creeps in and striving towards the next goal becomes a challenge in the midst of joy, excitement and a great longing to be finished all together.

I woke up today at 7:33am, I packed a lunch and walked Lilly to school, I sang songs of worship to God in my car, I worked, I came home, picked Lilly up, did school work, made dinner, & fell asleep watching cartoons. It doesn't get much better than that.

I guess my thoughts really are just this -- everything can be as it's supposed to be -- but we are always still here and still very much human; it doesn't mean that we're broken or that we're not where we're supposed to be when we don't understand our circumstances, necessarily, it means -- that while we're here... getting through today... we're going to face the same things that every other person faces.

Today I'm exhausted but I'm joyful.

Never the same Again.

2011-08-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

"& there are some of you here that have not encountered the love of God; and tonight, God wants to encounter you. He wants you to feel His amazing love. Without the love of God we're just up here making noise. But, the love of God changes us and we're never the same, we're never the same, we're never the same after we encounter the love of God & you would know because you wouldn't be the same, you would never be the same again." - Kim Walker

All I've seen all over facebook for the past 3 days is news about the hurricane. Seriously. Over and over and over... people are rushing out to buy all of the batteries in the entire store, in preparation for a storm. And, I don't live under a box, I get it, I was snowed in for a blizzard in 2010 and my family was touched by a tornado that swept through Oklahoma only 2 months ago that wrecked peoples entire lives. Natural disasters are a BIG DEAL. I'm not denying that.

But, I can't help but have anticipation for the times that we're in, I can't help but love how people cling to God when fear has swept across our nation -- I can't help but look around and know that there is something so much bigger out there, than us.

I wait for the day that God reveals Himself, in anticipation because my hope is secure. When I think about days like today, I'm not afraid because the WORST thing that could possibly happen is death and my God holds the keys of death in the palm of HIS HAND, so there is no need to fear even death itself.

And, I look around, I see so many people that I know and I love and I don't understand why they can't see it -- but I know that when God encountered me, just like Kim Walker says, I was never the same again. My entire life was wrecked. It was so good. It was when I turned around and I looked at God, I simply said the words "Okay, God"...and it was like He spoke right to me... "I've been waiting for you to go all in" and it has never been the same again.

I believe that God stands near us, often, and beckons us -- we hear and then we ignore, we almost give in, and then we walk away... and it's this love affair... we say we'll call and then we become afraid, so we never pick up the phone... when there, on the other side, is the love of our life, the amazing, too good to be true... and it doesn't make sense to us, so we ignore it. At least, that's how it was for me.

We want safety and although God is the ultimate safe hiding place; the journey with Him is the most "unsafe" journey because He will lead us away from everything that we've grown to know and he will wreck our "religion", our "tradition", he will show us so much more.

The same God who knocked over tables in a church -- the one who walked up to a woman, at a well, and told her that He knew everything she'd ever done -- every single sin she'd ever committed... and then, He simply told her that He was the one she'd been waiting for...he didn't judge her, he didn't try to change her views or make her different. He revealed Himself to her -- and she was never the same again.

love.

Hearts Desire

2011-08-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

Psalm 37:3-6

New International Version (NIV)

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few days ago about unspoken prayer requests; the things that we desire but the words never make it to our lips. Now, I'm a firm believer in speaking your heart to the Lord and praying without ceasing, but, my favorite kinds of answered prayers are the ones that I've never spoken.

It's when I'm least expecting it that the Lord shows up and confirms that HE knows the exact desires of my heart. And, that He is faithful to give them to those who delight in Him.

The funny part is that sometimes (more often than not) I don't even know the desires of my heart. Isn't that funny? I mean, I've asked for things, I've prayed over situations, and they have certainly not turned out the way that I thought I would have wanted. But, time has passed and I wouldn't change anything; I wouldn't ask God to go back and change anyone's mind. If the Lord had been willing to give me what I thought were my hearts desires -- almost every single thing that I actually desire would have been missing.

So, the point is, He knows exactly what He's doing, even when I'm not sure what I'm doing.

It almost brings me to tears because God is so good to me and so faithful and His timing is absolutely breath-taking. And, the reason that I know that it's Him is simple: I can see Him in *every* single step. I'm not confused and there isn't chaos. I can look back 3 months ago and see Him, I can see Him a few weeks ago, He was there, and now, I can see Him here - standing in the midst of my circumstances and I wouldn't change a single thing. That's how I know that He knows every desire of my heart, even when I haven't got a clue.

If you're praying for something and you're not sure where God is in your situation...just trust that He is faithfully working out every single detail of your life AND He is NEVER, ever late.

Love.

The Difference & relationships

2011-08-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

"The only regrets we'll have at the end of our lives will be that we didn't seek God more or seek God sooner. That's it." - Mark Batterson

I remember being in High School -- I loved Christ, really, I did. But, I loved the world so much more. I've been trying to put my finger on it, what's different? Why does it feel so much different, now? I know that I loved Jesus. But, I loved so much other stuff, more.

I wanted everything that I had never had; I wanted a boyfriend and I wanted to feel loved in a physical sense. I wanted to fill the voids in my life, all by myself, so I used music and self hatred. I remember that I wanted to get married and have a family before Jesus came back because surely I would be missing out. Isn't that so silly? But so common.

I saw what the world had and I thought, for sure, that God was holding out on me. So, I loved Christ but I lived in the world because I couldn't afford to miss out.

After living for the world and doing everything that I thought could fill me, everything that seemed so fun and great... I realized that God wasn't holding out at all because those things don't offer anything, they left me feeling void.

It's when I looked up and I began to crave heaven -- when I realized that my heart is already in heaven, and this world is not my home -- that I will *never* fit in here; I'll always be reaching for something far greater than this world could ever offer me.

It's when my heart became satisfied with Christ, alone, that I realized the difference. The world can't compare to my security in Christ -- I don't want intimacy, marriage, I don't want relationships with anyone who isn't completely in love with my Savior too because I know that it will never be enough, if we don't share that desire. And, a relationship centered on the creator of relationships will flourish; I won't have to worry about sin or broken promises; I won't have to long for something better because God will fulfill everything that He has promised for those who love Him.

So, now, now that I've learned that lesson -- I wait.
& I can't settle because my heart is guarded and I've already tasted the relationships of this world and they're bitter and painful; the relationship that Christ has for me will be wonderful and it will be everything my heart desires.

Colossians 3:3-17

New International Version (NIV)

³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^[b] ⁷ You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹ Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

2011-08-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

Emotional

2011-08-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."
	Victor Hugo

I've been sitting here doing absolutely nothing for about an hour now. That's not entirely true, I did make breakfast for dinner and a hot tea, which I am currently enjoying. Lilly tucked herself into my bed at 7pm; she must be exhausted. And the truth is, I just don't really feel like doing much of anything.

Today, I spent my morning working, non-stop for a few hours and then I watched a movie with Lilly, cleaned her room and that's pretty much it, which is a lot, I guess.

I just sort of feel like I could burst into tears, at any second, for no reason. I'm not sad or upset. Nobody did or said anything to cause an emotional reaction. There's pretty much zero reasoning behind the tears that may or may not find themselves surfacing sooner than later.

Sometimes, the adoration that I have for Christ overwhelms me; I can turn on worship music and praise God while I'm doing the dishes; I tend to speak out loud to Him while I'm driving in the car; I adore Him. But then, other times, it's not that I'm lacking adoration for Him because I could willingly fall to my knees and weep at His goodness, at any given moment, but every day isn't that way.

Although God is good, every single day, my emotional responses towards Him certainly aren't overwhelming all of the time. Like now. And, it's not that I love Him any less.

I've been journeying with God, every single day, for almost 2 years now -- and what I think is happening is I'm settling down into the comfort of knowing that there is security in my salvation and there is freedom in my Lord. I can't mess this one up. God isn't going anywhere. He's in this for the long haul.

It completely amazes me that when I'm emotional and or lacking emotions; God doesn't get annoyed or bothered. I'm grateful that when I'm a mess; I'm still never too much.

Lilly just came into the living room, rubbing her eyes and curled up next to me, she tilted her head up and I leaned down to kiss her; she's curled up next to me, waiting for her movie to start and all I can see is God, a loving father, sitting patiently and lovingly, with me curled up next to Him, no words being spoken but the assurance that love beyond comprehension is present.

Oh, you know.

2011-08-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure that I have anything to say, of relevance, anyway. I'm a little bit sleepy, but not exhausted. Sitting here, in the "living room" surrounded by work stuff, everywhere, trying to get ready to hand over the past 7 months.

When I wake up in the morning, I will leave my house at 6:45 to go pick up Lilly by 7 am; it's early, but it's my favorite thing to do. We'll come home and for the next 6 days we'll be inseparable. It will be just Mommy and Lilly.

I'm slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that -- it's going to be more Mommy and Lilly -- and less everything else. I don't understand, for a second, the decisions that people make or their reasoning behind it -- I can't fathom sending a text to anyone, "Sorry, I can't keep Lilly Friday night, do you want me to find someone or can you?"... oh, hey, sorry, I can't be a parent this week, can you cover for me?

What? Who does that.

It seems more and more like I'm co-parenting with a daycare center; sorry, we're closed today. The only difference is that I can't fire them. And, I would. Or, maybe, I'd call them once a week and say, "Do you mind just spending a couple of hours playing with her?"

It just doesn't make sense to me because it's never something that I would choose to do, even if I had the choice, which I don't. I would never just decide that I'm too busy to be a parent, for even a day.

And, the truth is, I'm not even bitter or angry, I'm hardly even surprised. I'm just sad, I'm sad because it's inexcusable and it's heart-breaking, I'm sad because Lilly can already see it, and she's only 5.

I live in the day-to-day of caring for a 5 year old; she's sick, I take care of her, she's tired, I listen to her whine. I meet all of her needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. And, there aren't sick days or holidays, there's no 'too busy' or 'not enough time'... I don't get those types of excuses and I certainly don't make them. I can't understand that mentality or fathom those options. Honestly.

I woke up late this morning; my alarm clock died (iPhone) and I didn't pick her up from her grandparents until 9:30 -- and I got a text asking me where I was, what could I possibly have been doing? And, sure, it's not okay to be late -- I get it. I get the responsibility aspect of it and I felt bad for being late, honestly, I did.

But, what I don't understand is the ability to send me a message asking where I was, when I feel like asking the same exact question, every single day. WHERE ARE YOU?

And sometimes, I even think -- maybe, I'm just confused, maybe it's not as bad as it seems -- but my daily life with a 5 year old and my checkbook are both screaming that I'm not too far from right on the mark.

And, Lord knows, I wish that I'd be proven wrong -- but, I'm proven right, almost every single day.

Except, I'm almost positive that beginning tomorrow, I won't be proven right for at least the next 6 days, because there will be no proof at all.

2011-08-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

"You never have to be afraid to do what is right." - Veggie Tales.

Sometimes, it's so easy to get caught up in the security of the things of this world -- that it's nearly impossible to fully rely on God to meet all of our needs... I can hear myself saying, more often than I'd like "I trust You God, but..." but...I can't make it without this. I can't do this on my own. I need this.

& I can hear Him saying..."I have so much more than that. My plans are so much bigger."

Tonight I made a decision that will inevitably have ripple effects -- but the decision that I made was right and it was good; it was made with a pure heart, so I don't feel badly about it. Actually, I feel more free than I've felt in MONTHS.

The questions that I ask myself are, what took so long? Lord knows that I've been in a place of discomfort for far too long. But, sometimes, I feel this need to 'help' people when it's not my place to help and sometimes although walking away from a situation can appear to be the "weakest" decision, it often time requires the most strength.

It just breaks my heart that I didn't listen sooner; I sought counsel and I ignored it... but it's never too late. God is faithful and His provisions are perfect, so I place my trust in that.

And, now, I can honestly say that every relationship that I am apart of is good and healthy.
I'm grateful for the wisdom & courage.
I'm sad for the loss.

But, I'm mostly excited about the peacefulness.

2011-08-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, trying to get motivated... but the truth is that I'm not, today.

It feels weird because last week I was on top of the world & now, since waking up with a migraine in the middle of the night on Friday -- I haven't felt like doing anything. Those things sure do know how to drain the life out of a person.

& I feel bad because I mix "exhausted" up with "lazy" and I'm forced to feel badly about myself when the dishes aren't done (but, they are clean now, of course, because I couldn't handle that feeling for too long).

So many things just drain me - sometime's I post things on FB just to bring some life to my own news feed. I get so tired of reading people's drama; I hope that the little snippets of humor and or wisdom can make them think, for just a second, that it's really not that bad, or dramatic.

& there is a part of me that is afraid to invest in new people because it's hard to take on their problems too. I'm not complaining, I'm just being honest.

Sometimes I wonder -- where is the balance? How do I find myself in Christ and also find myself with people? It's easy to love the Lord because I know that He is accepting of me, entirely, even with my brokenness and my adoration of Taylor Swift. He loves me despite the fact that I'm addicted to Criminal Minds & even though I'm still far from perfection... But, people, people aren't so forgiving.

People wonder things like, "how could you listen to that AND love Christ?" "how can you do THAT and seek Christ?" and I just want to say to them..."how can we, as humans, sinful beings, do anything except simply seek Him in hopes that He'll be faithful to re-direct our steps, if need be?"

It's simple to me, the love of Christ, that is.
He loves us.
ENTIRELY.

& people, people don't get that. If people got that -- they'd stop judging one another. & I'd be able to trust more knowing that there is safety in relationships, that people can accept each other because we're all people.

Wouldn't that be amazing?
If we'd stop playing god.

2011-08-12T08:15:00.001-07:00

‎"Then, you and I both know what God can do with a girl whose been through a lot and she grinned at me ear to ear and said 'I sure do', because we know that no matter what anybody has done to us, God can raise us up & He can make us mighty. We know that we can be around people and they'll never know one hand was laid on us because the hand of God is on us -- because we know that ANYBODY can be a miracle. She looked up at me and she said, 'We know, we know.'" -Beth Moore.

Learning to be.

2011-08-09T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to find the balance between just "being" and "being, intentionally"... I want to just be and to let God do amazing works through me -- but I want to be intentional about my actions, words & daily life.

I want to live on purpose.

& I'm not sure what that really looks like... but, I know that for the next 5 months it will look like a student, an employee, a server & a mama. It will look like hard-work & lot's of discipline. & right after that, around Christmas, it will look like a daughter, and an aunt, a sister. Immediately after that, it'll look like a 26 year old.

Other than those very vague details, I have no idea.

I'm just joyful & excited.
I'm blessed!

Today, it looked organized and motherly. It looked like a friend & a coffee drinker. It looked like someone who loves to read & enjoys music.

What will tomorrow hold? I'm not sure. But, Lord willing, it'll hold a lot & it will be good.

2011-08-08T18:34:00.001-07:00

2011-08-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this is -- but I can hear the same things over and over and often times they will have no effect on me or my behavior. But, it can take one person saying the same exact thing at the exact moment that I can and am able to receive it -- and it will change my entire life.

Maybe it's the setting or the person, I'm not entirely sure.

But, I wonder how many others are like me?

I hear something, and it changes everything. It's when I'm able to grasp a concept and realize that it's truth; my entire perspective changes and therefore my actions change, and the direction of my life follows.

The most drastic changes in my life have occurred within short periods of receiving "life-changing" encounters.

A plane.

Sermon.

Book.

Stranger.

Then, more recently -- I was living in fear. The kind of fear that directs your steps and leads your actions. My fear was: I can lose Lilly. It wasn't justifiable and it made no sense; anyone who knows me, knows that no one would take Lilly away from me. But, that was my fear.

So, I would do things a certain way because I didn't feel like I was capable to be a parent.

I believed so many lies:

"You're not good enough"

"You don't know how to be a mother"

"You're going to mess her up"

and the list goes on.

It took looking into the eyes of someone that I trust and hearing the words, "you are capable" for my entire life to change.

It was like a switch went on and I woke up, looked around and thought, "Well, of course I am!"

And from that moment on, literally, everything changed -- the way that I parent; the freedom that I now have as a mother -- the authority that I now have, not only with Lilly but over Lilly through Christ.

But, now I can't help but wonder 2 things.

1. Are there any other irrational fears that I have? (Lord knows there are.)

2. How many other people are living with the same types of fears that are just waiting for someone to speak Truth into their lives?

I read something recently: "You can be a worshiper or a complainer" Everyone is one or the other. And, I had one of those moments... I'd rather worship than complain.

2011-08-07T16:54:00.001-07:00

‎"I dont understand everything about God, but what I do understand brings me to my knees." -Steve Chesney

2011-08-07T10:41:00.001-07:00

I hear you say,

My love is over, it's underneathe

it's inside, it's inbetween

the times you doubt Me

when you can't feel

the times that you question,

"is this for real?"

the times that you're borken

the times that you mend

the times you hate Me

and the times that you bend

My love is over, it's underneathe

it's inside, it's inbetween

the times you're healing

when your heart breaks

the times that you feel like you're falling from grace

the times you're hurting

the times that you heal

the times you go hungry & are tempted to steal

the times of confusion, chaos & pain

I'm there in your sorrow

under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heartache

I'm there in the storm

My love, I will keep you

by My power alone.

I don't care where you fall,

where you have been.

I'll never forsake you,

My love never ends.

-God.

Times - Tenth Avenue North

Words.

2011-07-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

James 3:9-12

⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Today's message really spoke to my heart.

Words are so powerful.

We can build up & we can tear down.

A few words can ruin a person, break a child's will, 'cause others to lose trust in us.

The speaker today said, "Why are you saying what you are saying to whom you are saying it?" Can you imagine if we actually asked ourselves that.

If we actually took the time, every time, to think about the purpose behind our words -- if we considered whether we were about to build up a person or completely tear them down, a lot would change. I believe.

Last week when I was having a discussion with a person that I do respect, would I have said something differently if I weren't angry, in that moment? Would I have treated him as though I respect him instead of acting like I don't, because his words hurt me?

I want my words to edify those around me. I'm selective in who I choose to surround myself with because I don't like gossip, I don't respect lying, I prefer not to surround myself with people who don't respect me. But more than that, I want to be a person who lifts up those I spend my time with -- who loves unconditionally, who doesn't speak harshly or out of emotion.

My prayer is that we could be a people who lift up one another instead of tearing down -- who support and encourage as opposed to questioning and judging. That we'd actually take the time to construct our words in a way that wouldn't be an arrow or weapon used to destroy.

I don't want the same lips that I use to praise the Living God to tear down the people that I love.

A little bit of Poetry.

2011-07-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

I think that sometimes, “Christians” try to make themselves appear to be “worldly” because they don’t want to seem boring. Who wants to be boring? So, if you walk into a Christian Bookstore, you will almost *always* see something, extremely similar to something of the world – a t-shirt, keychain; something a little too comparable.

So, I’m a little hesitant to do what I’m about to do. Because, it may appear as though I’m trying to appear proud of where I’ve come from – but, that’s not it at all. I just want to be able to openly express where the Lord has brought me from.

And, I honestly think that sometimes, our greatest sin is to live as though we haven’t sinned or to act as though we aren’t sinners.

I've been writing for a while now, pretty much since Elementary School. I have journal after journal filled with thoughts and feelings, emotions, everything.

Here are a few of the things that I’ve written – my hope is that someone, somewhere, will read and be able to relate – and to see that we don’t have to stay that way. We aren’t called to live in the darkness and the brokenness, God willing, we’ll find the light.

Above the Music

[July 25 2007]

She hears lyrics above music

& loves rain when she’s asleep

She smiles to hold her poise;

Balance breaks around her,

as she plummets to the floor.

She’ll take refuge in almost anything

If only to catch her breath

Expect her to break through

Her character, persistent

Isolated, yet content, she’ll continue alone.

Unattached has become her weakness

Fighting to break it down

Accustomed to “life’s” appearance

She’ll walk her path alone

In anticipation of the eyes

That she’ll someday call her home.

Longing to write her own

[07/24/07]

Music in the background

She’s singing right along

A good book is her place of comfort

While she longs to write her own

She laughs when she is nervous

When she feels defeated, watch her smile

If you look into her eyes

You can almost see her soul

Although she tries to hide

She hates to be alone

She is clueless about others

From the outside looking in

The thoughts that she has are crazy
Even for her to understand

[03/23/08]

Bright lights

Smiling hearts

Desire of a stranger,

For a stranger

When we meet, hold my hand

Passionate

I’ll wait forever, if I have to

I want to

I want you

Deep breathe in

I’m suffocating

You held so tight

Wishful thinking?

Maybe

Forever mine, yours forever

I’m flawed

We’re broken

Without you, hardly daydreaming

Shattered reality

Crying out

Only lasting so long

Sparks fade

My smile, so real

Yet completely fake

[2008]

Vibrant

Calling my name

Quiet

Calm

Speak with your eyes

Balance

Crashing

I lose mine and fall

Chaos

Echoes

All I see is this path

Running

Walking

I stand and I sit

Breathing

Drowning

My perfect gift

Writing

Singing

Waiting here alone

Smiling

Laughing

I’m still holding on

Kiss me

Hold me

Lying in the dark

Breathing

Trembling

Please, listen to your heart

Dancer

[2008]

Caught up in this breeze

Drifting through this life

Calling out to everyone

Only an echo resounds

Deep breathe

An attempt at perfection

Crumbling before me

Visions become clear

Perfection is ideal

A thought

Faltered truth

Becomes reality

Dreams prove themselves fake

Fairytales become lies

Without closure

Holding it in

Giving it away

Free for today

Trying to maintain balance

And poise

The dancer girl crashes

One last time

Crash

[02/28/08]

Fatal crash

Glass bursts and I’m screaming

Cuts and blood

Flames, extreme heat, I am shaking

And we’re broken

I see him running

I’m reaching, you grab my hand

Trying to pull me,

But I’m here all alone

I can’t see your face

But I feel you & I hear your name

A whisper encompasses my being

I know we’ll be okay.

[Unknown]

Saying leave, please

When I only wish you’d ask to stay

Hold on to me, please

But not too tight, I need to breathe, please

My eyes look down at my feet

Wondering what it feels like

To sleep next to someone

Other than me

Hope filled eyes, no long goodbye

Never saw it coming

Well, not the second time

[04/29/10]

Bring me to my knees

And lead me to the place

Where it means

To be once lost

And now found by Your grace

To be broken before

And made whole in Your promise

Crying out in despair

But reaching out because You hear

Standing still at this moment

Left breathless looking back

Fear has fled

My worries are gone

Holding the hand of my Father

In Him I become strong

Hello, Honesty.

2011-07-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

*disclaimer: I'd just prefer to be honest; surface level doesn't really change anything. I also think that it's EXTREMELY important to say that there are AMAAAAAAAAZING Youth Groups out there filled with people who adore Christ and live it out... And, not everyone can relate to my personal experiences, but that's why they're mine and this is my Blog.

It's a challenge.
(please read the entire thing before you offer judgement)

Okay, so basically, this is what it feels like, some of the time.

I didn't grow up in the church, at all. I came to know about Jesus, in an intimate way, around the age of 15 -- but, I'm unable to say if I loved Jesus more or my "friends"... I'm not sure if I just needed to feel like I fit in somewhere; that's what those type of groups are created for, to help people fit in.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't even really "fit in" because I maintain almost zero contact with any of my "friends" from that point in my life -- it's all about "cliques", in my experience, especially in the church.

But, the point of the church is to make people feel like this isn't true -- to go above and beyond including people... because that's what Christ would have done. I've heard it so many times.

However -- I'm an example of how this doesn't work.
Including someone into a group of people because you "have to" accept them while the entire time making it clear that they don't "really" fit in that well -- and AS SOON as they do something that doesn't line up with the very cookie cutter shaped behavior... well, then, it's their fault, right? And, the responsibility no longer falls on you.

SO many people who leave the church -- leave feeling the exact way that I felt.
And, what this does... is extremely dangerous.

What it did to me was this: It wrecked my trust in God.
I learned that those people, the ones who influenced my walk with God, the one's who "KNEW" God -- the one's who only listened to certain music or read certain books... the "religious" people... if they knew God and He was like that... well, I certainly didn't want a thing to do with Him or them.

So, I wandered a little...
& by a little I mean, I sort of fell hard and fast.
I read book after book on existentialism and book after book on how to disprove a "Christian God"...
I didn't want to teach my daughter about that because I did not, ever, want her becoming like those people.
I loved the world.
I read my horoscope, everyday, I visited psychic after psychic, I owned Tarot cards.
I just didn't want anything to do with that type of life-style or person or behavior.

And then, something changed.
God encountered me.
& I remember the exact moment that it happened; I had started attending church again, but I was still far from a life-style that supported my Sunday attendance. I'd been taking Lilly every week for probably a year and a half or so. I couldn't tell you a single thing that I heard preached during that time. It's just something that I did.

Then, I showed up one day, I stood up and I simply said to God, "Okay, God."
& from that moment, literally, my entire life changed.
and this time, it had nothing to do with the people.
it had everything to do with my Creator.

I wish that I could explain the physical aspect, it was like everything changed; I was glowing, pretty much. It was as if I'd found the love of my life, that feeling. The joy of realizing what I'd been looking for, searching for, what I didn't find in a husband or by having a child, what I couldn't read about in a book or learn at school -- everything that I'd longed for, it was staring me in the face.

Grace filled me.
The sex, alcohol, lies, broken promises, the anger, bitterness, anorexia, everything, it went away...and I became new.

And, I have never looked back.

Now, I see things a little bit differently.
I see the church and the hypocrisy and lies.
But, I also have seen God and His grace.

I believe that the church is good. I believe that it's the Bride of Christ.
but, I do not believe that all people are good.
So, I'm cautious to become involved in a church. It concerns me to get to know people who love Christ and gossip about one another.

I keep my distance but I love the Lord.
Not a single day goes by that I don't completely adore my Savior.

Now, when I teach my daughter -- I teach her to love and to respect God. I teach her to adore Jesus. I have a relationship with God and that is very clear to my daughter. It's not about rules or right and wrong. It's about loving people because they are people. It's about seeing the good even when everything looks so dark.

What it really comes down to is trusting that God is good, that His word is true
& that at the end of the day, and the end of the journey, we will see His face.

He is still God.

2011-07-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

David is called the man after God's own heart.

I long to be like David.

The Lord made David's young son very sick.
Did the Lord harden hearts or place things specifically in my situation? I can't say for sure. But, it's not beyond Him.
So, David went without eating to show his sorrow, and he begged God to make the boy well.
I've been there.
After the child had been sick for 7 days, he died, but the officials were too afraid to tell David.
Ouch.
David got up off the floor; he took a bath, combed his hair, and dressed. He went into the Lord's tent and worshiped, then he went back home.
He praised God because God is good. Not because he understood, or not because his prayers were answered. He praised God because He is God.
David asked for something to eat, and when his servants brought him some food, he ate it.
His officials said, "What are you doing? You went without eating and cried for your son while he was alive! But now that he's dead, you're up and eating."
So many times, we mourn because we don't understand, because we feel lost. Because God didn't do what we had planned for Him to do.
David answered, While he was still alive, I went without food and cried because there was still hope. I said to myself, "Who knows? Maybe the Lord will have pity on me and let the child live." But now that he's dead, why should I go without eating? I can't bring him back! Someday I will join him in death, but he can't return to me.
I can't change any thing that I've done. I only hoped that the Lord would answer me the way that I wanted Him to. But, His ways are not my ways. And, He is still God. And, He is still Good.

[2 Samuel 12:16-23]

Butterflies.

2011-07-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Fly.

As I headed out to Oklahoma last year, I couldn't help but notice the plethora of butterflies. I mean, really, there were HUNDREDS if not thousands of them. Everywhere. It would have been crazy of me not to pay attention as they flew into my windshield every minute of the 22 hour drive. Red, Orange, Yellow, Black. Beautiful.

I knew that God was in control of my life during that journey; I knew that no matter where I ended up during those days, weeks, months... God was there.

Last year, I was praying for reconciliation while he was getting engaged.

I pleaded with the Lord for a miracle.

He went out a bought a ring.

This year, I still believed that God could put the broken pieces together, somehow.

I trusted in God's sovereignty and promises.

He bought a house and planned a wedding.

Sitting here today, I would be lying if I said I'm not confused; I'm confused. How could God's plan be anything other than having a marriage together & a child with her parents? How could God possibly allow for such a heart-breaking situation to end this way?

Honestly, I don't know, I don't "get it"... because I couldn't see anything else. Nothing else makes sense to me.

Mary had a baby without having sex.

Sarah had a baby when she was beyond childbearing years.

Peter walked on water.

God performs miracles. Still.

I don't doubt that, not even for a second. I've seen them.

So, why not me? Why not now?

I don't know the answer.

But, what I do know is that the Lord has never been unfaithful to me; He knows my heart, more than anyone else possibly could. When I look ahead the journey doesn't look sad or broken, it doesn't look incomplete. It looks perfect.

It looks exactly the way that it's supposed to be.

God has amazing plans for me, I can see them every time I look at Lilly. I can see them when I'm full of joy while most people would be screaming.

So, now, I love because I'm loved -- but I leave the rest behind me. I accept that God's plans are far better and greater than what I could have imagined... That HE is enough.

People have the right to choose and they do.

But, we can't allow them to make choices that wreck what God has in store for us.

So, let's accept their choices for what they are -- and let's press on towards the goodness that God has waiting...

How often do we stare out the window, the one with the bars on it, waiting for someone to release us -- when, there is an open door right behind us... if only we'd look up.

Beauty In The Struggle

I know that you are struggling. Struggling because you do not understand what God, in His infinite wisdom, never-failing love, and ultimate sovereignty is doing in your situation. What He's doing TO you. What He's doing FOR you. What He's doing ...IN you. Maybe you feel like a caterpillar...faithfully inching along over the rough, lonely, winding path, watching the sky grow overcast, wondering what God has in store. Could it be that the Lord has prepared you and brought you to a special place where your Creator has now simply asked you to rest so that He can work a miracle within you? We know that it is through the struggle that this delicate creature’s unseen beauty is ultimately revealed. Through the many nights of darkness, the silent, agonizing wait, the metamorphosis, the painful emerging... all culminates in the caterpillar not finding herself in a different place, but in realizing the far greater miracle of discovering herself somehow mysteriously, completely, and utterly changed. And so, when it is least expected, ever so quietly, it comes. Not in spite of the struggle, but rather because of it, the miraculous transformation is finally revealed. Her Creator has changed her from the inside out...and from the outside in! Still the same, but altogether different. Renewed. Stronger. Better. She is a NEW CREATION. The struggle has made her beautiful. And now she has wings... And she can FLY.

Author Unknown.

Sleeping Beauty: When sleep becomes reality

2011-06-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

Dr. Seuss once said, “You know you’re in love when you can’t sleep because reality is finally better than a dream.” Reality may have been better than my dreams, for a moment, right after I was born. Since then, I have journal after journal filled with thoughts arguing this issue, proving time and again, how much I love sleep.

You wake up in the morning and everything looks different; yesterday you were a wife and today you’re alone in a house that you bought less than 6 months ago. You have an 18 month old little girl, looking up from her crib, you look down at her big blue eyes and all you can say is, “so, this is reality?”. Of course it is.

I’m a writer. I guess there are two different types. There is the writer who longs to become a “writer” and there is the writer, like me, who just didn’t have anyone who cared enough to listen when I spoke, so I just simply started writing it all down. They called me, “creative” when I was little, but what they were really saying is, “What’s wrong with her? Why is she so quiet?” After you try to talk for so long, eventually, you stop talking and start writing. I’m that writer.

Creative writing, or what I could easily consider the only possible option for remaining sane during some critical and traumatic turning points in my life, quickly and quietly became my very real source of existence, beginning very young. Having a journal and a pencil became the only effective way to enable self-expression. I learned who I was in my early childhood by writing. In High School, I discovered the beauty of writing even the most disturbing thoughts; I’d turn them into beautiful poems. They didn’t seem so scary that way.

Creative writing gave me a healthy, honest way of writing down and dealing with my emotions and the very real events in my life that people just don’t really want to talk about. I always thought that maybe somewhere, someone was reading my thoughts or at the very least hearing them. So, I continued to write.

Without the ability to get my thoughts and ideas down into my journal, I can imagine becoming a much different, more obviously damaged young person. I imagine not having the freedom and passion to write everything down would have had one of two outcomes. Either, I would have kept all of the thoughts quiet in my head where they would have eventually drove me to a breaking point of self-mutilation or excess drinking or drugs (probably both), physical ways of allowing me to forget. Or, they could have potentially lead me to a place where I would have realized that there was someone, somewhere, who cared enough to listen to my thoughts.

This became a very real part of my journey when I met the guy who eventually became my husband, when we were 15. He didn’t think that the things I spoke of were too much; he cared about my thoughts. And, he wanted me to speak them. So, for a moment, or a few, I allowed myself to become familiar with something other than my journals. I chose the reality that Dr. Seuss spoke of. For a short, brief period in time, I couldn’t sleep because reality was that good.

And, then, time passed and it became clear that it wasn’t safe to talk to my husband about the things that my journals never seemed to mind. So, writing became my secret place and I grew drowsy over time, until we didn’t talk at all. I fell asleep early in our marriage when my writing had become my escape and my journal listened when my husband couldn’t. My journal was again my faithful, nonjudgmental empty page that didn’t mind if I cried or screamed. It accepted me completely.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I’m not sure if I agree or disagree, but the tears, anger and pain that only my journals really know and feel and understand completely, would probably say that it’s really not that much better at all.

Gossip.

2011-05-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

It’s so important that you and I not gossip or listen to gossip about others. You see, love never protects sin, but it’s eager to protect the sinner. Now, that’s contrary to what’s natural for us because we do have this kind of perverse pleasure in exposing someone else’s faults and failures. I wonder if that’s because we make ourselves look better. - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I read this and my heart was challenged.
How do I live this out?
What does it look like to live a life free of gossip?
Is that even possible in the world today?
How do I maintain friendships if I disassociate myself with gossip?
Isn't "everyone" doing it?

I picture the heart of Jesus. The man that I see in the gospel. The man who loved prostitutes and tax-collectors. The man who healed the sick; the people that society wouldn't speak to. He healed the blind. He brought the dead to life. He washed the feet of the one who betrayed him.
He walked on water.
He calmed the seas.
He never judged.

How much different would the gospel look if it read more like this:
He walked away from the blind man. He stoned the adulterer. He left the lepers do die. He was too good to wash the feet of men. He stayed with the religious people.
He was exactly like everybody else.
He judged them.

Who would follow a God like that? Certainly not me. I choose to follow Jesus Christ because He is nothing like everyone else. He's completely different. He went against everything that we are taught. His teachings defied the teachings of that time and most certainly the teachings of today.

We're taught, fit in, they'll like you. Speak your mind, we have the freedom of speech, right? This is America, say whatever you want. It's okay if you don't like that person, you don't have to like everybody. You're only human, right? But, she deserved what happened to her. But, that's her choice to live like that. But, we're only talking. But, this is...what's that word... oh, constructive. This is constructive. But..But..But..
But, nothing.

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. - Jesus (Matthew 7:1-2)

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

Never Give UP

2011-05-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past three days in bed. And, I would say that although I complain a little or verbalize the frequency of migraines that I get; rarely do I ever lay in bed from an illness. I can remember the last time that I did, it was July of last year. I remember that I had a sinus infection because I remember the events that took place that week. There really is no point in that statement other than, I don't get sick often, so I don't take being bedridden for 3 days lightly.

Today, I made my escape.
I woke up and cleaned everything (who wants to be in a germ infested house? gross.) and then, I got down to business.
Bible. check.
Blanket. check.
Book. check.
Sunglasses. check.
Coca-Cola. check.
Worship music. check.
Full tank. check.

I stopped on my way out of town, got a new brake light (much past due..) a chocolate flavored snowball..and headed toward PA.

I needed my Jesus time. Desperately. Not that you can't have Jesus time when you're laying in a bed watching re-runs of "Criminal Minds" for 3 days -- but seriously, when I got to the rest stop in PA, I was nearly convinced that the guy directing me to the park, was a candidate for the show, and not in a good way. I needed some fresh air, a clear head and some good solid music.

As I passed under a bridge, heading to the park -- I saw the words "Never Give UP!" and for the last week or so, a relatively new friend has been reciting those same words to me -- whatever you do, "Never Give UP"... and I'm driving and all I can say to God is "never give UP what? I mean, seriously. I hear You. But, I don't understand!"

And, as much as I'd like to sit here and say that Jesus came down and spoke directly to me a list of things that I shouldn't be giving up on. He didn't. So, I still am not 100% sure about what I shouldn't be giving up on.

But, what I do know is this:
I'm not giving up on Jesus.
I'm not giving up on myself.
I'm not going to give up on my daughter.
I'm not going to give up on praying for my friends and my family.
I'm not giving up on speaking the truth.
I'm not giving up on the hope that God is enough.
I'm not giving up on the promise that God follows through. That He keeps those that He's called. I'm not giving up on the purpose.

2011-04-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

I read this.

& then, I read it again. and again.

I can see myself sitting there. Actually, you probably wouldn't know this wasn't a picture of me, if I didn't point it out.

What I realized when I read this is: I'm not there anymore.

Oh, and I was there, for a long time -- for a couple of years.

Just waiting for the next thing to fall apart, seeing if I'd let go or just hold on.

& I want to tell you today, just hold on because the morning is coming.

& when God brings the morning, no man will be able to cover up His light.

He's faithful to His children.

So, just hold on to His promise.

Take a look at where you've come from & praise God that you're not where you were.

Love.

Resilient

2011-04-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy.
I can't help but look in the mirror and see who I used to be.
When I walk into a room, I sometimes, somehow feel like I'm not good enough.
& to be completely honest, I don't mean in the "I don't look good in these jeans and my hair is a mess" kind of way.
I mean in the "can these people really see my heart, my desires? the longing of my spirit? or do they just see the dirty rags and brokenness that I've come so far from; that He has brought me from?"

I had lunch with a friend the other day and I'll be honest, I hadn't really seen her or spoken to her a lot over the last couple of years -- and I was a little bit nervous. I was nervous because she knew me before, she knew me married & different. But, she also saw me broken. And, now to be talking to her and just sharing what the Lord has been doing in my life -- I felt like "less than".

& the funny part is this: she encouraged ME. She spoke so many blessings into my life and said that I'm an encouragement. That I can do anything that I want. Words like, "resilient" and how I make it look sort of easy.

I walk into a room full of people who love the Lord and I wonder if I look wounded, or worldly because I have tattoos. I wonder if people judge me because I prefer to wear jeans to church. Sometimes, I can almost hear their thoughts, "what is she doing here?"

I always go back though. And, I can hold my head high because I know the whole truth.

But, these thoughts are lies. That isn't the truth.
If I walk into a room with 1,000 people and they look at ME because I have tattoos. They are the one's with the heart problem. Not me.

The truth is that God chose me; despite my choices.
He knew my heart and He still does.

He sees my sin and He chooses to take it away.
He doesn't have to, I know that.

& maybe, just maybe that's why He does it again and again -- because I know that I'm undeserving, that I've done nothing but fall short time and time again; I've failed, pretty miserably most of the time, and I've lost hope more often than I'd care to admit -- but, I still believe that God is good, that He's faithful and that He's bigger than any mistake I could ever make.

For you.

2011-04-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

I look up from a cup of hot coffee that I'm enjoying more than I probably should be and I see you there. I see you sitting just a couple of tables over from me and it looks like you're enjoying your coffee too. It actually looks to me like you need your coffee this particular morning. I've been there; I know what that looks like.

You can't see it or hear my thoughts, but be encouraged today my sweet sister, because I am praying for you. I'm lifting you up to the King of Kings; the God who knows how broken and saddened your heart is, especially today. I can't proclaim to have the answers that will fix your problem or make your vision more clear. But, I can lift you up to the One who does.

I'm not big enough or strong enough to carry you. I'm not wealthy enough to buy your sorrows. I'm not wise enough to speak wisdom into your future; but, my sister, I serve the One who is and He listens to my cries. So, trust today, that your name has been heard.

You are deeply loved.

You are completely forgiven.

You are fully pleasing.

You are totally accepted.

You have been chosen for fellowship before time began.

You have a purpose.

He made you special.

He made you unique.

He made you beautiful.

Discernment

2011-03-11T06:21:00.002-08:00

Every dream begins with a dreamer who is ready to receive it. ~ JPJ

Sometimes, it's so hard to know exactly where we're heading; it's impossible to know what will take place tomorrow. The Lord says to trust in Him & do good, he says that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart (psalm 37:3-4). We have specific desires inside of us for a reason, they aren't there by accident.

And, sometimes (I know that I am definitely guilty of this), we get so caught up in waiting for God to come through and give us very clear, audible, set in stone directions. "But, Lord, I won't move until you move me..." and I think that sometimes He must just smile at us and think to Himself, "Child, you must have faith, you have to move."

I really believe that God gives us discernment so that we're able to keep our eyes on Him but to be able to trust the judgement that He's given us. Sometimes, we end up taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but I heard Beth Moore recently say -- "Call me a genius but isn't that still 1 step forward?"

I think that's the point.

When we have our hearts set on Christ -- we can trust that whatever we're doing, if it glorifies Him, He will bless us. Or, sometimes He will choose to close that door.

Recently, I found myself in a situation that was exhilarating, honest, it seemed to be really good. And, I prayed about it -- I really did. It didn't seem wrong at first, but over a couple of days, and into a couple of weeks, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. Until eventually I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that the Lord was earnestly closing that door. And, when I thought that somehow it would be best, to stand in the doorway and try to hold it open, that's when I felt pain.

I kind of feel the same way about writing; I feel like the Lord has placed a burden on my heart to write -- so, I write.

I took a leap of faith and created a Facebook page, designed specifically for my writing, but it feels kind of silly and completely unlike myself to promote my own writing. I've never really been a self promoting kind of person. I just sort of write and whoever reads it, reads it. That's my theory.

But, if this is the direction that the Lord is calling me to, I believe it's time to take it a little bit more seriously, and to trust that God will either bless the effort or He will close the door and redirect my steps.

We never know until we try.

I guess, that's what I'm trying to say.

Discernment

2011-03-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

Every dream begins with a dreamer who is ready to receive it. ~ JPJ

I think that's the point.

When we have our hearts set on Christ -- we can trust that whatever we're doing, if it glorifies Him, He will bless us. Or, sometimes He will choose to close that door.

I kind of feel the same way about writing; I feel like the Lord has placed a burden on my heart to write -- so, I write.

We never know until we try.

I guess, that's what I'm trying to say.

2011-03-10T09:12:00.001-08:00

Truth

2011-03-09T16:50:00.001-08:00

I must say; I was truly in shock when I was asked to contribute my thoughts to this blog. Honored, but definitely shocked. That may come as a surprise to some who have read my writings or spoken to me in the most recent days, months or even past 2 years of my life. Why you ask? Well, because I'm a 25 year old divorced, single mom -- who has definitely, learned what it means to be forgiven, because I will be the first to admit that I needed forgiveness.

But, the title of the blog and the idea behind the writing is "Constant Pursuit of Truth" -- and what is the Truth?

He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

Jesus declared, "...Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."

The woman said, "I know that Messiah (called Christ) is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

Then, Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he." (John 4:16-26)

He came to her. He spoke to her exactly where she was. He knew of her decisions and the choices that she made in her life. But, he also knew her heart. He knew where she was heading; He interceded exactly where she was.

And, the most amazing part to me is this:

Many of the Samaritans’ from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, "He told me everything I ever did." So, when the Samaritans’ came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed for two days. And because of his words many more became believers.

They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world."

These people wanted to know more about Christ because of this woman’s testimony. They knew her life. They saw her actions; and I’d imagine, they saw the change in her. She certainly didn’t deserve forgiveness, she didn’t deserve to even speak to the Lord – however, He still chose her! Not only did He choose her, but He used her testimony to bring many to Himself.

That is what pursuing the Truth is all about.

The Truth is that when Jesus chose to walk on this earth and when he chose to live his life for the purpose of completing his Fathers will in heaven -- He chose me (and you!). He chose the cross knowing full well that I (as many others have) would choose to turn my back on Him. He knew beforehand every single bad decision that I would make, that we all make as humans.

That is why I chose to accept the offer of contributing my thoughts to a place where the Lord will be lifted up and where His truth will be spoken. There is freedom in Christ (Romans 8:1) and there is no reason that a person should be forced to live in shame, no matter how messy their lives have been. When we choose to make those type of judgments we are claiming that the sacrifice that God gave when He sent His son wasn't enough -- we're saying that wasn't enough, that it wasn't enough for us to hold our heads up, or lift our arms in worship -- that our testimony isn't just as important as someone who may have made better decisions. Christ chose to forgive; every single person needs that forgiveness. That is the truth.

Jesus wept.

2011-02-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a couple of weeks -- I guess life sort of gets busy and I get so caught up in the day to day. Don't we all?

Even now, I'm sitting here and I have no idea what I'm even trying to say -- but I know that something happens, every time I begin to write... either tears begin to fall when I realize what's been on my heart, or the words just begin pouring out of my spirit, as if they've been just waiting patiently for a release. Something that I do know is that there is always something on my heart, just waiting to be spoken.

Today, the weather is a mess, especially compared to yesterday -- it's a little bit too cold and the skies are grey. It's windy. I'm wearing a sweatshirt because the apartment is a little bit colder than I'd prefer. The list of things that I "should" be doing is lengthy and the truth is that I just don't feel like doing most of the things. Life is complicated and there is always something that needs my attention.

I wouldn't say that I get overwhelmed easily, I'd say that quite possibly I don't get overwhelmed enough -- and when I do, I'm very good at realizing quickly what's important and what isn't. Sometimes, I feel like I don't worry enough -- isn't that crazy? I feel like maybe, I don't take anything serious enough. Because, if I did -- there is no way that I would be as mellow and calm as I am. If I looked at every single thing that I've been handed, every part of my life -- from the people who have hurt me, the rejection that I've faced, the painful decisions that other people have made, the things that I have no control over; if I looked at the choices that I've tried to make and the way that things still tend to fall apart, sometimes... I wouldn't be crazy for locking myself in my room, with chocolates, a chick flick and some tissues. But, who has the time for that?

That's what it comes down to for me.

It comes down to realizing that life is hard, it's complicated, people are a mess. But the truth is that despite all of my circumstances, I can still kneel before a loving, faithful God -- one who understands the broken pieces of my life -- one who doesn't mind when I cry out to Him. Who doesn't care when I'm tired and weak... who knows that I need Him to be strong for me, most of the time.

Yesterday, I was late for Bible study; I'm usually late for a lot of things -- but, I didn't have Lilly in the morning, and I just didn't want to rush. When I heard the speaker talking about Lazarus, and more specifically how Martha asked Jesus to heal him; she believed that he was the son of God, that He could heal him -- but Jesus stayed where He was... He stayed where He was for TWO days... and, He wasn't even doing anything there. I heard him saying that, the speaker that is, and when Jesus finally returned, Lazarus had already died. And, I can hear Martha, as clearly as I can hear myself saying the same exact words -- "but why Lord?" -- "I know that you're able and I don't understand." It's not a faith thing, because believe me, I know that God is able to do anything, He's faithful and He is good -- I don't doubt that, not even a little bit. But, sometimes, His timing is so hard to understand, it's so hard to take a step back from my daily circumstances and realize that He has my entire life in His palms.

The thing that the speaker didn't talk about -- was how when Lazarus died, Mary wept. The pain of her circumstances, even with her Lord standing right in front of her, there, holding her hand -- they were still so real, and so painful that she sat before Him and she wept.

And, the most amazing part is that, the God that I love and serve; the Lord of my life, He wept too.

Her pain was his pain. Her tears were real to Him. He felt her pain and He feels my pain too.

Jesus wept.

While I was sitting in church yesterday, I was thinking about the Lord -- and how sometimes, I get so caught up in trying to make good decisions, and trying to be a good person -- that I forget to just sit before God and realize that He understands my heart. He created me. He knows my intentions and my plans. When I'm not sure what's right or wrong, He's faithful to take my hand and to guide me.

I don't have to worry -- it's not some psychological broken condition that I have -- I don't worry because the Lord asks me to trust Him. He tells me not to worry. It's not that my life is easy and that I don't care... it's that worrying doesn't change anything, the only thing it does is take away from the trust that I have placed in God. That doesn't mean that life is easy. It means that I serve a very loving, faithful God who has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

And, at the end of the day, every single day, that is all that I need.

My Epiphany.

2011-02-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

I think that I had an epiphany.

I used to love shopping a lot; but I liked it because I felt like it gave me control. If I was having a bad day, I would go out and buy something to make myself feel better. Eventually, God took away my ability to do that -- and later, He took away the desire... until eventually, I became content with what I had and stopped depending on the materialistic things to make me happy.

And, that is when the Lord completely blessed me with an entire new wardrobe of beautiful clothes. When I didn't need them or feel like I couldn't survive without them.

I believe that is what God is asking me to do with relationships too. To come to a place where I don't need them to complete me. I don't need Nick or another husband to make me feel content. The Lord is enough. And, I think when I can let go of the expectations and desires and just be at peace in Christ... He will be enough...

and when He is enough.. He will bless whatever relationship He has prepared for me.

So, although it does hurt and it's so painful... God is enough. I believe that.

beauty

2011-01-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

I love TUMBLR -- I have one & I love reading the things that people say and looking at the pictures that people post; one thing that I pay close attention to is something called "Stop Hating Your Body" -- these girls BREAK my heart. They have no idea how beautiful and how loved they are. None.

And, I remember being one of them -- so I decided to write a quick note in hopes that at least some of them will read it -- & this is what I wrote:

Sometimes, I see the things that people get tattooed on them; I personally have 6 of my own -- and I wonder -- if you get something like, "I refuse to hold on" or "this is me walking away" or even a band on your wedding finger... what is the point; I mean, really? Are you always going to be walking away, or never holding on? Is that the point? To get something so permanent and so painful written on you in hope of whoever reading it will somehow get the memo?

I mean, I get it, sort of. I've done it myself.

But, looking back now -- I can't believe that I ever cared enough about other people; or hated myself so much that I felt the only way to show my pain was to wear it.

I wore my pain around in the form of anorexia for 9 years.

NINE YEARS.

& I'm not saying that I was a little bit underweight; I'm saying that I was in the hospital for 3 months, I weighed 89lbs and stood 5'5" -- I had heart problems.

Now, I look back and I can't remember the last time I hated the way that I look; I can't remember wanting to hurt myself just so that people would understand the pain... and believe me when I say, the pain is still very real, life is hard! We're human.

But, there comes a day, when we wake up and we see that we are the only ones who feel the pain that we wear (other then God)... and the people that we're trying to hurt, or the situations that we're attempting to control; they are the same whether we hurt ourselves or not...

And, the truth be told, there is a better sense of control in waking up everyday, looking in the mirror and knowing that you're good enough.

You're loved.

& you are beautiful.

new

2011-01-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

The truth is that life has been a little bit hard lately; and I honestly haven't really had the time and or energy to even think about writing, let alone do it.

But, then I got over it.

Tonight I think that I may have crossed a bridge; a real bridge, into new, very exciting territory. Good territory. God-centered territory.

I'll probably be testing the waters for awhile, just to make sure, so don't quote me. Or, well, you can if you want.

The word "love" has been on my heart lately, isn't it on everyones? Most of the time? Probably. And, it's not even the word really -- just the entire idea of what love is.

I mean, what is it? Really? Is it an emotion? Is it a choice?
God says that HE is love.

And, the Bible says this about love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
Love never fails

A funny thing happened -- I asked God for an answer to a prayer that I had -- I asked Him for a specific answer, one that I couldn't confuse or get wrong. And, a Pastor came to my house, knocked on my door and spoke to my heart.

He encouraged me and cheered me on.

One of the things that he encouraged me to do was to make a list, one that would include 10 things that I "love" about him (not the pastor) and every time I saw a VW to recite the list in my head -- all 10 things had to be encouraging and uplifting, honest.

I couldn't think of 10.
I still can't.
And, I tried. I got out my pencil and paper and I wrote, I sat there, and I wrote some more. I came up with about 8, maybe, if I pushed a few things to the side and REALLY used my imagination. And, no, I'm not being mean.

God is good. And He is faithful.
I keep coming back to the verse about wine; we aren't called to place what has been made new into old wineskin's.

I'm very well aware of the fact that God hates divorce. I hate divorce too.
I would give anything to have a reconciled marriage, well, I would give anything to have a marriage that glorifies the Lord.

And, this, what we have -- it doesn't glorify anyone. It's painful; it's filled with bitterness. It's downright mean. There is nothing good in the relationship that we share.

Now, don't get me wrong because I believe in a REDEEMING God that can very well take a very, broken, painful marriage and restore it back to something amazing -- I believe that more than anyone, but that is not what I see happening, not right now. It's not something that I can make happen.

I can pray until my knee's bleed and the tears dry -- I could pray until Jesus comes back. But, unfortunately, I can't make anything happen.

And, I can't live in the past. Not anymore.

The Lord has promised GOOD to me.
Not something that repeatedly beats me down and breaks my spirit.
Not something that bears no fruit.

I love the Lord and I want my life to be a blessing; and sometimes the best way to bless the Lord is to give up on the hopes, the dreams that I had and trust that maybe, just maybe He is doing something new.

Because, I am not the same person that was married.
And, I need to trust that I'm walking in step with the Lord and He will do what He wants in my life, and I'm going to step aside and watch.

(now, please please please, do not read what I am not saying -- if you are married, you need to fight for your spouse and your marriage... I am in no way supporting divorce; at all.)

NEEDTOBREATHE - Something Beautiful (Official Video)

2011-01-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

2011-01-03T07:45:00.001-08:00

Mary

2010-12-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

She knelt down, tears streaming from her eyes; hair in her face, make-up running down her cheeks.

“We have to get ready! Everyone is going to be here soon.” The sounds of rummaging throughout the house echoed. Martha peered over at her sister, Mary; she wondered to herself how could she possibly look so calm? Didn’t she know that he was on his way? That Jesus was coming to their house?

She looked up at his face, thinking to herself, but my Lord, you don’t know what I have done. The people who surrounded them began to whisper; he must not know what she has done.

Martha tried to regain her composure as she opened the door. He had arrived, just in time. Everything was prepared. The wine was poured and the bread was being served. Mary ran into the room and kissed him on the cheek. She was glowing; the joy was hard to contain.

If he had known what she had done there is no way that he would possibly be allowing her to touch him; to even sit before him.

Jesus comes inside of the house and sits; he begins to speak. Mary sits at his feet; in awe of his words. Martha scurries around; there are things to be done.

Jesus looks around. He hears the whispers, so he speaks up. “Simon, let me ask you a question…if two people both owed money…one person owed 100 dollars and another owed 500. The moneylender forgives both of their debts…who would be more grateful?”

The day grows longer and the sun begins to set. Mary has been sitting at the feet of her Jesus for hours; Martha has everything prepared for the evening.

Simon looks up, surprised by the question, “Well, I guess the person who owed more would be.” Jesus’ response is simple. “You have judged correctly.”

Jesus looks up; he smiles at Martha, “Martha, you are worried and upset about many things…”

Jesus turns to the woman; who is still knelt before him, her hair soaked in tears and perfume, covering his feet. He looks up at Simon and says, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house and you did not give me any water to wash my feet, but she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss but this woman, from the time I entered has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not pour oil on my head but this woman poured her perfume on my feet…”

Mary looks up. Martha looks at Jesus. He continues, “..but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Everyone in the room is still. The woman is looking up at her Lord. Simon is listening. Jesus speaks. “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much…”

Mary understands because she was there. Martha continues to prepare.

Jesus looks down at the woman. Her face covered in tears; her hair is a mess. She has never looked more beautiful. “Your sins are forgiven.” He says. People whisper; the words spread through the house; gossip. He turns to her and says, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

MercyMe - Beautiful with Lyrics

2010-12-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

2010-12-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

"Well, he stopped loving you."

That's all that I can hear today.

I can't say that I really think about this or consciously deal with this often; to be completely honest. But, I probably subconsciously struggle quite a bit.

I'm thinking about this, maybe because of the holidays, maybe because it's part of the healing process -- maybe because I'm human. Who knows.

But, what I'm thinking is this...why wasn't I good enough to fight for? And, if he promised to love me forever and could so easily give up on me, what does that mean for the next person (if there is a next person)... will they walk away too? Is it even worth it? What was wrong with me?

I guess my true struggle right now is this: What the heck are marriages even for if they can just be torn apart and broken into a million pieces that still tear me apart every single time I stop long enough to think about any of this.

And, if/when he gets married again -- will she be a better wife than me? Will she somehow be worth fighting for? Will anything be different?

It may seem like I dwell in this arena of my life, often, well, maybe I do -- but maybe that's because it impacted me, a lot. Maybe because I spent 7 years of my life in something that could easily be broken and torn apart; and now, is something that is "unmentionable" something that isn't even a remote acquaintance type of relationship. Something that doesn't even seem like it was real, anymore.

Maybe this is how I know that I really loved him.

If I didn't, maybe, I would be able to just as quickly move on -- maybe, I've tried. But somehow, I always end up at the same crossroad, like I'm walking around in a big circle... and I always see the signs, 1 is pointing left towards reconciliation and the other is pointing right towards something else, something that I can't seem to ever really see.

Maybe I only long for reconciliation because I'm a day-dreamer who can only see the hope that is made up in the movies, the happily ever after... maybe because that is what I'm meant to long for... maybe because that is what I want for my daughter. I honestly don't know. Maybe that is what makes sense to me.

I think that the even bigger part of me that longs for reconciliation only does so because I can't seem to admit that maybe, just maybe, he didn't really love me -- because if he had loved me in the forever, marry me and spend the rest of his life in the for better or worse type of crazy love ending, he would have tried.

The thought of ever getting married again makes me so uncomfortable that I can't even attend weddings... it makes me cry when I watch movies... all I can think about is how I gave me heart to him, and when I did that, somehow, I ended up giving it to him forever -- and I don't know how to get it back.

I want it back, so often, I truly do.

I just don't know how to stop loving someone.

I've tried a million different things.

and, at the end of the day -- here I am.

So, I choose today, to sit back and think about what is the Truth...

I am worth fighting for. Jesus fought for me.

He waited by my side during some of the longest most heart breaking months of my life, and He watched the guilt and the shame; He saw me through and He still chose to love me.

I am lovable. Jesus loves me.

I am forgiven.

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Luke 7:47

I guess this is what the Lord is speaking to my heart now; if being apart from Nick is what it took to come to know the forgiveness of Christ, if being part of something broken brought me back to the love that Christ has for me -- that I'm able to sit at His feet and love Him, entirely...

then, EVEN IF -- Nick and I are never reconciled again; there is still a purpose in all of this.

And, the purpose is that sitting at the feet of my Savior is MORE than enough.

Maybe Nick will wake up one day and realize that I am worth fighting for. Maybe he won't. It isn't my place to know -- but what I do know is that I am worth it, even if he never realizes it.

Only Love Remains

2010-12-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

2010-12-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

I'm so forgetful
but You always remind me,
You're the only one who brings me peace.
You're the only one who brings me peace.

So I come.
Lord, I come.
To tell You I love You.
To tell You I need You.
To tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms.
To tell You I'm sorry for running in circles;
for placing my focus on the waves
& not on Your face.
You're the only one who brings me peace.

I'm so forgetful
but You always remind me.
You're the only one who brings me peace.

-Running in Circles.

Relationships

2010-12-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

"We stood in the line of fire, refused to be afraid of the dark, surrendered our dreams for them, survived disappointment, held on to the light god gave us, and waited for Him to move." Stormie Omartian

If you are having trouble with a particular person who is causing you to feel so much pain that it incapacitates you, release him or her to God and allow the Lord to take the relationship away if He so chooses. He may need to do that for just a season if something needs to be worked in each of you individually that can't happen when you are together... If that relationship is to be restored again, He will restore it on His terms... The dark moments of any relationship can strengthen your walk with the Lord as you draw closer to Him. Stormie Omartian

today

2010-12-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

This is how I am feeling...
I'm tired.
I'm irritable.
I'm anxious.
I have a list of things that need to be done including laundry, dishes, laundry, laundry, laundry and sweeping, vacuuming... etc etc etc.

Oh, and I hate waterproof mascara; I can't get the stuff off to save my life.

The list of reasons why I'm stressed out is more than just chores. It goes on and on.

I'm a real person with a real list of doubts, worries and fear in a very broken world.
But -- what is the point in dwelling on them?
Sure, it is nice, I'll admit, to just lay them out there and allow Satan to have a field day with my emotions. But, it ends now.
Do you hear me?
I'm done.

I'm tired of living as though Jesus hasn't declared the victory over my life. He's already won.

Sure, waking up every day is necessary and life is hard -- but the point isn't to live as though we've been defeated before we even step out of bed.

And, trust me, it's easy to do when you go to sleep with a nosebleed and wake up with a migraine; the easiest thing to do is to stay in bed and realize that today isn't your day.

But, today was my day. And, it was yours too.
Every single day is a day that can be used for good. For victory.

Now, I won't say that there aren't times when I just shake my head and just whisper to God, "Okay, Lord...I am done with this battle. I can't do this anymore." And, He gets that; He takes over right then and there.

He knows when we've had enough.

And believe me, I've had my share of enough.

But that's when it becomes a choice.
How are we going to choose to deal with the irritations; the weakness; the worries; the doubt. How are we going to cope?

I say we let the rain pour on us and we blossom into the beautiful creations that the Lord has made us to be.

It's hard to be made into something beautiful if there isn't any purpose behind the beauty.

Look at diamonds.
& flowers.
gold.

It takes a lot to withstand the cold and the bitterness. To carry on when it's pouring down rain. When it gets hot we want to run. It's natural...

but, it's during the trial that we earn the right be beautiful.
it's during that time that many of us flee.
that we reach our potential -- instead of allowing God to protect us so that we are able to reach His potential for us.

ZAC BROWN - COLDER WEATHER (New Song)

2010-12-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

2010-12-27T06:09:00.001-08:00

2010-12-26T10:18:00.000-08:00

If you want to be a writer; you need somewhere to write.
So, I've set out to create the space that fits me.

I've got my DD coffee.
A computer.
Some books.

It's quiet and it's mine.

I love everything about it.

It really fits me.

Now the goal is to actually take time out each day (the time that I've gained from de-activating my FB page)... and just spend it writing about whatever is on my heart. Sometimes I post what I write and sometimes I just write. I'm also keeping up with 2 other blogs on an almost daily basis (www.mamatolilly.blogspot.com and www.mandybooth.blogspot.com). It's going well.

So, what's on my heart today? It's strange. There are many things but there is also peace. It's not overwhelming. The love of the Lord endures. So, I don't have to stress or worry -- I could, I certainly could... but what good would it do? It wouldn't.

The only thing that I can control are my actions, thoughts, the words that I speak. And, I would hope that God willing -- they would all exalt my love for Christ.

I am quickly learning that I don't have most of the answers and I can't always discern what is right or wrong... but what I do know is that, I can call out to God and say, "Okay Lord, I don't know what is right or good but I'm trusting you to guide me and to close the doors to the places that You don't want me to wander." And, I can trust that He will because He is my Sheppard, the one who leads me.

Today Lilly and I went to visit a church that is very familiar to me because it's the church that my husband and I attended so many years ago... I looked around and I remembered where we sat, exactly. What I couldn't remember was a single word that was spoken during those times. I couldn't remember ever feeling the peace and the love that I felt, in Christ, today. I saw many familiar faces, people who know both Nick and I, extremely well. And, my prayer is that they saw me and they actually saw the person that I am becoming...not the person that I used to be.

The funny part? The pastor spoke about becoming a new creation and the divine interruption that God proves to repeatedly have in the lives of those who love Him. You know, one day you're out being dumb and getting drunk... and a week later you attempt to do something and it doesn't work anymore... because within the week the Lord came upon you and divinely interrupted your crazy lifestyle and placed Himself high above everything else in your life... and you just follow along because there is no longer a choice. You're in love.

Mandy

2010-12-24T11:40:00.001-08:00

Lilly: Aren't you glad that today wasn't a daddy day? Or you would have worn your necklace backwards all day long.

2010-12-24T10:13:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve. I can hardly believe it.

Lilly is in her room watching Toy Story 2; Sarah is laying on the floor next to me and I'm sitting at my desk writing.

I'm not sure what the next few weeks or months hold but what I do know is that I am waiting...

Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm waiting for and other times I know exactly. Some days I can see everything clearly. Other days it's a little bit cloudy and I'm not sure about much. I guess that's all part of life. It's part of the process that we go through.

I ask myself frequently, "but what if?" ... the what if's vary but the point is always the same... the bottom line is always staring me straight in the face. "What if what?" I hear the Lord say over a cup of coffee... "What if I let you down?" I hear as I'm driving... "What if I don't come through for you?" I hear him whisper when I'm unsure, again.

And, then I hear... "Have I ever let you down before? Didn't I promise to never leave nor forsake you? Aren't you my child? I gave you a promise and I'm faithful. I created you for a purpose, so trust in Me. Trust in ME because I AM Trustworthy."

I whisper back in an almost inaudible, small voice..."Yes, Lord...I know that You are."

If you ever have a conversation with me you will almost always hear me at some point say this statement, "The Lord has been faithful to me." and that's because He has. That is why I love Him. I love Him because when everyone else flakes out or falls away... the Lord is faithful to me. When I'm struggling to make it through the day I can rest in the fact that God will come through. He always does.

I don't know the details and I'm not sure what it's going to look like in a week or a month or even tomorrow. But, what I do know is this -- sometimes we know that we know that we know. And, this. This is one of those times.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:25-26